#this is all kind of fascinating to me from a like. professional perspective

[vevobly]

not sure if ur taking requests rn but was wondering if you could do yellowjackets w someone who does photography/yearbook?

Yellowjackets With Photographer Reader!

A/N: I apologize in advance If I got your request wrong! I'm mainly writing headcanons these days, so that's what I went along with. Still, I hope you enjoy and devour this.

Jackie Taylor:

Jackie absolutely adores the attention you give her when you photograph her. Whether you told her yourself or not, she will insist that she's the best subject you've ever had. She'll suggest stuff like poses or candid shots she thinks would show her natural charm every once in a while.

Jackie is not particularly knowledgeable about photography but still, she'll try to impress you with comments like “That angle looks professional, right?” from time to time—she doesn't care if it may or may not make her look like an absolute idiot who is in love with you, she'll still do it.

When you tell her that you care more about capturing genuine moments, she's surprised. While you do like photographing Jackie from time to time, she always looks so guarded when you capture her. But after what you told her? She starts relaxing and letting her guard down around you.

Jackie secretly keeps any polaroid or printed photo you took of her tucked into her journal or locker. It's silly, she knows. But she doesn't want anyone else other than her to know about what you guys do. What you guys have seems like something special, and she'll be damned if she lets someone ruin it for her.

Shauna Shipman:

Shauna is fascinated by the way you see the whole world through your camera. She asks about your process from time to time. And just loves listening to you ramble on about all things involving or related to photography like lighting and composition.

She’s shy about being in front of the camera at first but eventually she does let you take a few pictures of her. And those pictures? All of it quickly becomes her favorite. Though, she wouldn't admit it right away to you—insisting she loves all of your pictures and not just those of her or with her.

If you ever show her a particularly good shot, she’ll quietly murmur stuff like “you’re really talented” with this small genuine, soft smile plastered on her face. There's a whole lot more she wants to tell you, but she isn't sure herself if you'd like to hear it or not.

When you're developing film in your darkroom, Shauna offers to help you even though she’s completely clueless about it. Why? Well, the heart makes you do silly things. And she just wants to spend time with you. Even if it could make her look like an idiot for it.

Taissa Turner:

Tai loves your photography and how it gives you this kind of unique perspective on certain things. She respects how much effort you put into it. And guess what? She's the one often encouraging you to enter competitions or submit your work to the school paper.

She's so proud of you and your own talent that it's to the point she ends up bragging about you every once in a while to her friends without even realizing it. She isn't aware of that herself until someone points it to her or after she's done with bragging about you to them.

Tai is camera-shy. Though despite that, she’ll agree to let you photograph her during soccer practice. But only when the team is winning and such! She'll tell you stuff like “no one wants to see me looking exhausted!” and so, when you're around photographing her.

If she notices you focusing on other people too much, she'll playfully tease you about why she isn’t your main subject yet. Or if she doesn't tease you about that, she'll tease you about how your eyes keep wandering to other people when it should be on her, your muse.

Van Palmer:

Van would think what you do is the coolest thing ever, even if you thought otherwise. No doubt, she would constantly joke about being your favorite subject. Aside from that, she'd probably pose funny and pull a ridiculous face in most photos you take of her.

She doesn't know much about your stuff but she's genuinely curious about it, especially the technical side of it. She would ask you a ton of questions and maybe even offer to help you develop your photos if you needed it (even if she knew only a little of it).

Van would suggest these fun places for you to take photos, always outing with you and basically having these mini photo expeditions with her. Besides those, she would help your gear without any complaints. But with that comes the endless jokes about photography!

She will always be the first one to hype up your work, just proudly showing it off to her friends and telling everyone how talented you—her lover is. If you ever doubted your work, Van would be there to remind you of all the great shots you've taken and just how amazing you are at what you're doing.

Natalie Scatorccio:

Natalie would lowkey be fascinated by the stuff you do. BUT! She wouldn't want to come off as too interested in it. So, she plays it cool. Saying things like "that's pretty badass" when you share your work to her. She loves all of your works but those raw shots you have are mainly her favorites.

She volunteers every once in a while to help scout interesting places for your shoots, using it as an excuse to just spend more time with you. If you wanted to take pictures of her, she'd act indifferently about it. But she's not fooling you, you know she secretly loves it.

Nat would be hella reluctant to take any photos you took of her, even if you told her it's no big deal and such. But she always budges in the end. She keeps any photos you took of her real closely, practically tucking them away like precious treasures she doesn't want anyone else to see.

She appreciates how you see beauty through photography. And aside from that, she really admires how you can find something meaningful or beautiful in ordinary moments. In ordinary things. You offered to show her how to use a camera once, and now she can't stop herself from taking pictures of you when you allow it,

Lottie Matthews:

Lottie would be extremely supportive of your photography. I mean, photography is a form of art and self-expression after all. And Lottie, contrary to what some people think, is a woman of art. She's always asking to look through your portfolio or recent shots.

She'd love being photographed by you, especially if it focused on more natural candid moments. Oh, and if it was set in natural settings like fields or forests. Besides the fact that your shots make her feel seen in a way no one else does. Your pictures of her are always oddly intimate and comforting to her.

Lottie has a lot of connections. So whether you expected it or not, she's almost always talking about you and recommending you to well-off people she knows would love to have their photos taken. Bet your ass that you're almost always being dragged to these fancy meetings between well-off people.

If you ever doubted your talent or got insecure about your work, Lottie is immediately marching up to you and reassuring you about it. She'll tell you all about how your photos have a lot of deep meanings (whether they do or don't) and that your talent is a gift that's meant to be shared.

Laura Lee:

Laura Lee would see your photography as a beautiful talent given to you by the man from above. She wouldn't fully understand the artistic side of it but she would appreciate your passion and dedication towards it though. She'll often encourage you to take shots of beautiful things, kissing you after it as a thank you.

She'd be a bit shy about being photographed but she would always let you take pictures of her if it made you happy. The thing is that she'd almost always ask to see every photo you took of her though, just to make sure she looked appropriate in it and so.

Just like Lottie, Laura Lee would love being photographed in natural settings like fields or forests. Why? Well, nature is one of the first creations of the man from above after all. Besides that, she really loves it when you capture her through meaningful moments between you guys.

If you ever felt discouraged with photography, she would encourage you to trust in your talent and in the man from above's plan. She would definitely offer you prayers and reassurance about it. Laura Lee in general believes in you a lot and aside from that, she sees what you do as something inspiring. Something joyful.

Misty Quigley:

Misty would be incredibly enthusiastic about your photography, probably a little too enthusiastic. She'd want to know every detail about the process and might even try to involve herself in it more than you'd want her to. She'd ask a lot of questions about it, like how you choose your subjects and so.

She would absolutely adore being photographed by you and she'd take it without a doubt as a sign of how deeply in love you are with her. She'd probably get a little possessive from time to time, especially when you're focusing your camera on someone else. She wants you to focus it on her more than anyone else.

Misty definitely would insist on being your main subject a lot, posing exaggeratedly over it while trying to be your muse. Her efforts come off as overbearing a lot. But hey, this is the girl that you saw and decided to like. The girl you choose to take out as your girlfriend. No complaints!

Despite how intense she could come off as sometimes, she genuinely does admire your talent and even goes to extreme lengths behind your back to help you succeed whether you asked for it or not. If you ever shared your photos with others, Misty would brag about it as if you're up and coming prodigy of some sort.

[thewadapan]

My pal @irlnautica has just shared her essay defining the Transformers version of the Doylist/Watsonian perspective dichotomy!

"Budianskian and Furmanist: A new model of storytelling analysis"

Bob Budiansky believed that the most interesting thing about the entire Transformers setup was that the Transformers were on Earth. The vast majority of his stories revolved around ideas of culture clash and worlds colliding; Bob’s Autobots would be perplexed and fascinated by human behaviours, from small-town life to professional wrestling. [...] Budianskian storytelling is concerned with looking at Cybertronians from an external perspective: exploring what sets them apart from you or I, showing how they interact with a world not their own, how and why they hide themselves as human vehicles to conduct their war. Budianskian storytelling is about the Transformers being robots in disguise. By contrast, Simon Furman was far less enamoured with humans and the ways the two species played off each other. [...] To be sure, his stories take advantage of the characters being robots, but rarely is it particularly concerned with them being vehicles. Furmanist storytelling looks at Cybertronians from an internal perspective; it’s concerned with how they interact with each other, and the lore and history and substance of their own world. The point of the robots as characters isn’t to contrast with the human experience, but to be a stand-in for them. Furmanist storytelling is about the Transformers being more than meets the eye.

If you enjoyed my essay on Transformers One, I guarantee you'll find stuff to like in Jo's writing too. Much of it is giving an overview of major examples of Transformers stories, but whenever it steps outside that specific context, you'll find it raises interesting questions about "the promise of the premise", what exactly it is that makes certain kinds of stories/themes/allegories better-suited to given properties/settings/concepts than others.

I feel strongly that these terms can be generalised to cover all forms of sci-fi—hell, any story where the premise involves a "break from everyday reality" in some form or another. Are we in that world, or are we outside it, looking in?

(I think, for most people not in Transformers fandom, the ethos behind Furmanism in this specific context is frankly baffling. What is the point of writing about these giant alien robots if you're really just writing about humans? Personally, it's the culture-clash stuff that continues to compel me as an adult. Nevertheless, this essay makes a valiant effort to justify the appeal of Furmanist stories as best it can!)

[sylune-z]

Trans...passing....???

Tell me, baby, baby, do I walk like a boy?Do I speak like a boy? Do I stand like a boy?Sorry, babe, you keep asking, do I kiss like a boy?Should I spit like a boy? May I fuck other boys?Tell me, baby, baby, do I walk like a boy?Do I speak like a boy? Do I stand like a boy?Sorry, babe, you keep asking, do I kiss like a boy?Should I spit like a boy? May I fuck other boys?Tell me, baby, baby - Lucky Love, Masculinity

I am most definitely, unequivocally, a trans-femme. I have been on HRT for about 18 months now and am so very happy about this. I am also learning about the intricacies of makeup, how to do makeup so you just look pretty as opposed to, say, drag makeup. Do I pass? I think I do some of the time. The point of this post is to interrogate ideas about passing, the male gaze, and the unduly heavy burden transwomen/femmes face with unrealistic beauty standards.

First of all, I think I am at one of the cruelest stages of transitioning, the one where people can clock you're different, not male presenting, but are going to project a male identity onto you anyways. "Oh look hahaha its a man wearing makeup." Is the vibe I get, sometimes. It is a disheartening time and one I think every trans person, mtf, or ftm, faces at some point. I have become something of an expert, or at least obsessed with, reading the looks on mens faces when they pass me on the street or I'm in public. I watch their darting eyes, as I feel them consuming my flesh. I catch grimaces, I catch interest, hate, attraction, even? Sometimes, nothing, which I prefer.

I feel as though I have become enslaved to the male gaze in such a way that I am totally preoccupied with passing. Logically, I know my goal isn't to pass for men. It's to feel comfortable, beautiful, and whole in my own body. Nevertheless, I scour my face for flaws. I don't grow much facial hair now, but I pluck even the most miniscule of hairs on my chin and upper lip, laser them, the whole nine yards really. I do vocal training too. I analyze my jawline, browline, the extensive shape of my face and do my makeup every morning at around 5:30-6:00 AM. I want to say I do it for me, and it's true, I do. I love makeup, I love experimenting and making myself look like an ethereal little alien princess, but as soon as I am out the door, I am checking myself in every reflection, do I pass? Am I pretty? And I am again scanning, surveying, the implacable faces of the men I walk by, as though I am handing them a quiz, does she look like someone you'd want to fuck?

Contributing to this anxious preoccupation of mine is AI. There exist so many tools by which one can see if they "pass" according to a series of machine learning algorithms trained on pictures of cis people. Visage, Nyckel, and FaceApp are all examples I have used. Visage is one I frequent quite a lot, as it feels more like a professionally developed system. Of course, these apps and pages are all inherently flawed: they are trained on white cis people, are largely contingent on the lighting, and play into the hand of a gender binary. Nevertheless, at work, or at home, I find myself visiting them to see how I am doing. But, I do have an obsessive personality, so there is that to consider. I am not miserable, but more or less fascinated by what makes something feminine or masculine.

I think there is a lot of pressure to pass. Not just from a safety perspective, to be left alone, but also from trans influencers. My god, I was following a lot of them and had to take a break. Like I am happy for them, but soooo much content just seems geared towards being perceived as hot, despite being trans. "Oh look at me, I'm so sexy and skinny, bet you thought I was just a cis girl, I'm actually trans." Like obviously, this content is for men to fulfill some kind of Madonna-whore misogyny complex in some way. I compare myself to a lot of these influencers, see their videos and look at myself in the mirror, will I ever be as pretty? I can't truly say what the motivation is behind a lot of influencer content, but it impacts all of us in some way and that is how I tend to view it sometimes. But there you go, trans-women face the same kind of unrealistic beauty standards cis women face. Big surprise.

I also barely know any transwomen who even look anything remotely like these influencers. Like not all of us have the ability to get a breast augmentation, and FFS. People are so lucky if they can get these things honestly, otherwise most of us are stuck with what we've got. And I so seldom see anyone appreciate a trans person's natural beauty as opposed to insisting you must do x, y, and z in order to reach this bar for beauty. But hey, if I could get FFS, I would, not gonna lie, so no shame. But, there is something to be said about the fact that influencers have sometimes had work done and comparing ourselves to that is not helpful in any way.

So much trans content these days feels as though it's never about being trans or what that means to the individual. And I'm not saying all trans content has to be about being trans. But, it mostly appears to me as content to be seen by men, to inspire rage, or lust. And that's fine, we love rage bating transphobes, but damn, I don't feel represented by most of these women.

There are of course influencers with their tutorials, stories, and what have you as well which is great. But, that doesn't evade the fact that much of this influencer content seems to be focused on the binary itself. Are we as trans people merely transitioning to be perceived as cis women or men? To simply exist on the opposite end of a gender binary generated and sustained by colonizer supremacy and patriarchal narratives (omg im so #woke)? I can't say, everyone's transition is different. For me, I don't want to be a cis girl. If I had to describe it for myself, I'd say I want to exist in a third non-Euclidean dimension that renders me as some kind of a femme fae alien creature.

But, anyways, its time to start my makeup routine. Trans people, passing or not, are fcking angelic beings who I believe are absolutely gods gift to this planet and passing is overrated. I love you.

[vickyvicarious]

Okay, so this is one of several (I believe?) timeline errors in Seward's accounts. It happens in a few other places but I think nowhere so egregiously as here, with a week of time added in since yesterday's date. I recall that last year there were theories about Dracula affecting Seward's mind in some way, similar to how he affects Renfield and Lucy. While those can be fun to play around with, I'm certain the 'official' explanation is simply that Stoker got mixed up on his timeline and failed to notice that he'd added a week between the 19th and 20th.

All that's backstory though. Because it has only been a day for us, it's perhaps easier to miss, but if we assume the timeline mentioned in the actual text of the entry is what Stoker was envisioning, then... Renfield has seemingly been chained to a wall and in a straightjacket for a week straight:

For the first week after his attack he was perpetually violent. Then one night, just as the moon rose, he grew quiet, and kept murmuring to himself: "Now I can wait; now I can wait." The attendant came to tell me, so I ran down at once to have a look at him. He was still in the strait-waistcoat and in the padded room, but the suffused look had gone from his face, and his eyes had something of their old pleading—I might almost say, "cringing"—softness. I was satisfied with his present condition, and directed him to be relieved.

That's... I didn't really put it together last year, too caught up in the actual dates we're given, but. That's horrifying.

I love the delivery of Renfield's "now I can wait." But something about the amount of time it took makes it so creepy and so sad. He's been raging and fighting for a week, and it's only now when he can finally calm himself enough to go back to his more strategically placating approach towards his captors. (And it seems the moon has prompted this change within him... more thoughts on that later.) Indeed, only when he does so does he regain any semblance of his former freedom.

"They think I could hurt you! Fancy me hurting you! The fools!" It was soothing, somehow, to the feelings to find myself dissociated even in the mind of this poor madman from the others; but all the same I do not follow his thought. Am I to take it that I have anything in common with him, so that we are, as it were, to stand together; or has he to gain from me some good so stupendous that my well-being is needful to him? I must find out later on. To-night he will not speak.

I think this passage proves how Seward's view of Renfield is very tied to his own personal feelings, and is thus anything but professional and objective. In the past, he's been overly indulgent of Renfield when he wants to discover a new madness that he can put his name to, and has even been tempted to go further; in his previous entry he felt hurt by Renfield ignoring him and then escaping, and lashed out with dismissive assumptions of delusions he must be having, and locked him up/restrained him. Apparently, kept him restrained until he resumed his former more placating behavior. Seward is fascinated by Renfield partially out of ambition, and partially out of this idea that they have some kind of bond or he has some unique understanding of Renfield.

And yet that idea upsets him too. He knows that he himself is abnormal in some way, perhaps is very conscious of or worried about this fact, and kind of scoffs at/dismisses the idea that Renfield might view him as someone who is on the same 'side' or understands his perspective. It sort of feels like Seward wants Renfield to be open with him and confide in him but only in a respectful way that acknowledges him as mentally/status-wise superior. If Renfield treats him as equal to the attendants, that is failing to acknowledge his superior status and intellect and training. If Renfield treats him as an ally opposed to the attendants, then that implies the two of them are of equal status and that Seward's being viewed as mentally on a level (and thus mad at least to an extent) rather than superior. Even as it partially soothes his hurt feelings the idea kind of upsets him, and he kind of scoffs at it.

The last possibility he brings up is that Renfield is using him. But Seward tests that right away and it doesn't seem to go anywhere yet: the cats that previously were Renfield's greatest desire today do not interest him in the least. I keep feeling like there's a weird balance of Seward being very willing to see Renfield as very calculative and secretly harboring murderous plans, but at the same time not having much ability to recognize when he himself is being manipulated by Renfield. Like this pleading/cringing behavior. On the one hand he has definitely noticed it is a deliberate action in the past, but at the same time he seems to consider it an indication that Renfield can be 'managed' again and set loose from his padded cell/restraints. (Not that I think releasing him is a bad idea, but it is an interesting disconnect from how Seward has kind of looked at it in the past, I guess?) Seward often notices when Renfield is trying to get something from him but doesn't necessarily refuse it, or still lets his own emotions/ambitions influence his response. I feel like it comes down to a lot of ableism in his faith that he is smarter/more able to see through and manage Renfield, and thus can afford to sometimes indulge Renfield's efforts to use him. Meanwhile I feel like Renfield has deliberately played into that at least sometimes in order to get his own way, and Seward doesn't recognize how clever he actually is.

Happy thought! We shall to-night play sane wits against mad ones. He escaped before without our help; to-night he shall escape with it. We shall give him a chance, and have the men ready to follow in case they are required….

I love the way he pauses and then says "happy thought!" He truly is just having a sudden idea, and his curiosity is overwhelming his ethics/common sense here. Honestly, in this entry? It reminds me a lot of Dracula once again. I can easily see Dracula thinking this to himself with a few minor changes.

Perhaps on May 15th, before reminding/taunting Jonathan never to sleep outside his own rooms. Or even better, on June 29th when Jonathan asks to leave right then and he gets his wolf idea:

Happy thought! I shall to-night play predator nerves against prey ones. He tried to escape before without my help; to-night he shall have the chance to escape with it. I shall show him the door, and have the wolves ready outside in case they are required….

...look, I'm just saying, Seward is super creepy this entry.

[voidpacifist]

maddie nolen is such a fascinating character to me

okay, before ANY of you get on my ass about all your personal icks and grievances with her, please remember that there's not a SINGLE fully unflawed character in this show. anyone who excludes her from that statement just looks goofy!

but really let's talk about her because it's kind of hard to get a read on her. is she supposed to be a heroine? a villain? an antihero? like we really don't have much of an impression of her other than that she's young, fairly new to the enforcement of piltover, and clearly motivated to do her job both to the fullest and to the approval of her betters. but she isn't necessarily desperate about it.

now, I see a lot of people stating that she's one of those "but YOU'RE one of the good ones" types of people. and this is true! her behavior in zaun also goes to show that she's truly just there to do her job without kicking up a fuss with someone if she doesn't have to. she's not an antagonizer or someone who actively condescends other people — I truly in my heart of hearts believe she wants to do what's right, and while misguided as it is, she believes being an enforcer is the best way to do that. yes, she's got a tarnished, generalized view of zaun. and yes, she still isn't going out of her way to be "bad cop" as a result of her views. both of those can exist at once.

"but liv! that was only one scene! how do you know she's not a total piece of garbage?" I'm so glad you asked, and also, we still have one more act (as of the day I'm blabbing all this) to go.

it's actually her intimate scene with caitlyn at the start of act two that had me intrigued about her. and I know, it's an annoyance that seemingly right after vi and caits unofficial breaking up, maddie swoops right in and is now all lovey dovey with cait (although from a professional perspective, coworker dating is an awful idea, but get it I guess). but it's what she says to cait that gets me:

"you could call it off. withdraw from the underground. reestablish the council. all you have to do is give the order."

and when cait starts to push back about jinx and the risk of violence, maddie even jokingly calls her ambessa. it just further backs my statement about her character. by appealing to caits general dislike of using strong force (and appealing to her strong will), she's actively encouraging her to not be so bendable to her war-hungry mentor.

because yes, ambessa is someone who is not above using violence to achieve what she feels is necessary. and she has actively preyed on caits grief as a way to get her to be sympathetic towards a noxian solution. does that mean she doesn't believe she's also doing the right thing? no! just goes to show that messy character grey area.

"we want more nuanced female characters!" "y'all can't even handle caitlyn kiramman." WORSE! y'all can't handle maddie nolen <3

[good--merits-accumulated]

🌵🕯️🥤🔪 for the writer ask game!!

Thanks for the ask!!! (Finally getting around to this T_T)

🌵 ⇢ share the link to a playlist you love

I can't actually do this because I don't use any music apps, I just go onto youtube and play songs on loop 😅Also tbf I don't really listen to anything on a playlist unless I'm working, in which case I'll slightly modify the prompt and link to this oddly specific playlist which got me through approx 200 flashcards and a very confusing tmj anatomy session on tuesday

🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?

I like editing well enough! It doesn't have the unfiltered thrill of actually writing, but then again it doesn't have the struggle either. So it's good and bad in its own way. But editing something just before publishing it is its own kind of happiness, so exciting :]

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love (I will do four. I can't choose!)

You will not be surprised to hear that these are (almost) all historical AUs of some kind, and the one that isn't fucks with form. Firstly, the one that doesn't:

Written by the Victors, by Speranza

OK, so I know that WBTV is *THE* McShep fic and also one of *THE* Stargate Atlantis fics but hhhhhhhholy shit. It deserves all its flowers and then some (and I haven't even finished it properly yet!). Written by the Victors has a) A BIBLIOGRAPHY AND INDEX, b) some really meatily written and densely interesting academic excerpts:

And c) some really good prose. A seminal fandom work and also insanely compelling in the way it plays with format and perspectives.

2. All Lost to the Ceremony of Progress by fluorescentgrey

So I used to read a lot of Wolfstar fic and although it's been years and years since I last looked at anything HP, some fics by fluorescentgrey (and also the next author on this list, zambla) have stuck with me extremely for their very niche and fascinating subjects (Dust Bowl AU, anyone? Vietnam-War-draft-dodgers-being-smuggled-over-the-border? Professional bullriding?) and also their fluid, dynamic, incredible prose. All of their fics are incredible but this fic in particular is set in the aftermath of Los Alamos and it is dark and foreboding and intensely, sinisterly rich in vocabulary and language and atmosphere and good lord, I wish I could write like this.

3. EXILE/RETURN by zambla

fluorescentgrey and zambla are somewhat similar to me in that they both write these wonderfully evocative fics which are often but not always historical AUs, and while fluorescentgrey's work often picks apart, examines and demands the concept of America, zambla is similarly preoccupied with the UK. EXILE/RETURN is about the AIDS epidemic and national identity and death and queerness and is partially modelled off of Derek Jarman's diaries, and it is terribly, wonderfully sad, beautiful, envious, by turns.

(^^ fic that got me preoccupied with the concept of interregna, a fascination which has lasted to this day.)

4. Presence by kakikaeru

Presence is not the most technically impressive fic on this list nor is it what I would consider the most well-written, and yet it is my personal fic Of All Time, which has affected me the most. If I say it's a Yuri!!! On Ice fic which is an alternate 20th century history AU involving Yuri as a "living God" and Shinto priest exiled during WWII and Viktor as a reporter living in exile post-WWI in New York, it makes the actual text seem different to how it actually is. What Presence actually is is a meditation on decade-spanning love and affection, holiness, religion, tranquility, the goodness of people, and. Well. Presence. I do have the world's biggest soft spot for this fic, but you should read it nevertheless.

(It also indirectly changed the way I think about my own religion a couple of years ago - but that's a much more complicated story!)

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Hm. I don't think I've ever actually researched anything quote unquote weird (I will of course remember something which fits this bill exactly the second I post this), but probably one of the more ridiculous things is that time I spent the better part of a week researching early 20th century American textile mills and jacquard fabrics and acceptable Edwardian dinner jackets for the first part of A Gleam of Light, an unfinished WIP where Todd spends about five seconds actually IN an Edwardian setting and then disappears into a pseudo-medieval faerie world for the entire rest of the fic. ...It did lend its hand to some fun description, though.

(^^ Still one of my favourite fic openings I've ever written!)

[matttgirlies]

Matt & Me Final🎀

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

a story heavily based on Priscilla Presley’s Book “Elvis & Me” based in the 1950’s - 1970’s.

fem! reader x singer! matt

disclaimer!! - in no way am i saying matt would ever support or do these kind of things, for the sake of the book certain unethical things do happen at times.

warnings - get some tissues..

y/nn = your nickname for any confusion🩷

Chapter 24

In time, it became evident that he was letting his health go. His behavior at times was deliberately self-destructive. On a few occasions he’d say, “I’ll never make it much beyond forty.” We’ve all made such statements, but with Matt the thought was deep-seated and chronic. Mary Lou had died at forty-two and, like Mary Lou, he wanted to go before his father, sensing that he himself couldn’t bear another loss.

From time to time, I’d hear that he had checked into the hospital. Concerned, I’d call, asking, “Are you all right?”

“Sure,” he’d say, laughing a little to show me it was all a big joke. “I just need a little rest, Sattnin.” Then I realized he’d gone to the hospital for the same reason he had during his Army days. It was his way of taking a little rest; he needed to get out of Graceland and away from all the pressures.

By 1976 everyone was becoming alarmed over his mental state as well as his physical appearance. His face was bloated, his body unnaturally heavy. The more people tried to talk to him about this, the more insistent he became that everything was all right.

The Colonel was even concerned about Matt’s actions while onstage. Matt started forgetting lyrics and resorting to sheet music. He was acting erratic by ignoring the audience and playing to the band. A few shows were canceled and no one could predict whether or not he’d appear onstage.

In the absence of any significant professional challenge, Matt created his own real-life dramas. His fascination with guns was now an obsession. He became paranoid over death threats, and from his association with the Boston local police, he had access to lists of local drug pushers. He felt he personally should get them off the streets. Phoning me late one evening, he said, “y/nn, you have anyone you want taken care of? Strictly top secret.”

The style, grace, and pride that for the past eight years had been the hallmark of a Sturniolo live performance now bordered on self-parody. Frustrated with the lack of challenge of each passing show, Matt resorted to sheer flamboyance, symbolized by his costumes, each more elaborate than the one before, loaded with an overabundance of fake stones, studs, and fringes. There were voluminous capes and cumbersome belts to match. He was performing in garb that added thirty-five pounds to his weight. It was as if he were determined to upstage himself instead of relying on his raw talent.

There were times in his final year that he would be criticized on how he related to his audience. Some people observed that he joked around with his band too much and left his songs unfinished. Once Matt even complained from the stage about “bad management” at the hotel, citing a certain employee at the Hilton who was being fired. The following day Colonel William asked Matt to stick to his own business—entertaining—and let the hotel handle its help. James tended to take Matt’s side on this as on every issue, but the Colonel had a right to be concerned.

One of the guys actually told Matt he was beginning to look more like a Liberace act in the hope that Matt would take the hint and come to his senses and rely on just his talent. But from the beginning Matt had insisted: “I just want to read positive reviews. I don’t want to hear any negativity.” As a teenager he’d been shielded by Mary Lou from criticism. When she’d filled her albums and scrapbooks, she’d used only the favorable clippings. If he hadn’t been so sheltered, he might have had a better perspective on his career. At least he’d have been aware of what was being written about him and possibly used some of the comments constructively.

No matter what he did, his fans still cheered him on. They were faithful to him through good performances and bad, and eventually their love was the only real gratification he received. They endorsed everything he did. Maybe as long as he was getting their cheers, he thought he was doing fine. But in fact Colonel William was right when he told Matt that he’d better get himself straightened out or his whole career would go down the drain.

His personal life was not helping the situation. He was seeing Ginger Alden, who was twenty years his junior, and the difference in their ages was becoming more and more of a problem. He’d say, “I’m tired of raising kids. I don’t have the patience to go through it all over again.” There were conflicts—many. Ginger did not like touring, one-night stands. She was close to her family and didn’t want to leave them. Matt tried bringing half her family with them, but that only created other problems. “She spends more time with her sister and mother than she does with me,” he complained.

In discussing his dilemma, I asked, “Do you think you can really live with just one woman?”

“Yes,” he answered. “Now more than ever. I know I’ve done some stupid things, but the stupidest was not realizing what I had until I lost it. I want my family back.”

I wondered if there was some way we could make it work. “Maybe it was just too early in life for us, Sattnin,” I said. “Maybe one day there will be a time for us.”

“Yeah,” Matt laughed. “When I’m seventy and you’re sixty. We’ll both be so old we’ll look really silly, racing around in golf carts.”

In April 1977 Matt fell ill and had to cancel his tour and return home to Graceland. Charlotte and I were there visiting Dodger. He called me up to his room. He did not look himself; his face and body were bloated. He was wearing pajamas, which he seemed to prefer these days when at home. He held Cheiro’s Book of Numbers and told me there was something he wanted me to read. His curiosity for answers had not abated. He was still searching for his purpose in life, still feeling he had not found his calling. If he had found a cause to espouse, whether a drugless society or world peace, he would have had the role he sought in life. His generosity was evidence of this part of his nature—his legendary penchant for giving, even to the countless people he didn’t know.

But he never found a crusade to pull him out of his cloistered world, a discipline strong enough to counter his escape into drugs. That night he read to me, searching for answers, just as he had done the year before and the year before that and the years before that.

It was August 16, 1977, overcast and dreary, not a typical Southern California day. When I walked outside, there was a stillness, an unnatural calm in the air that I have not experienced since. I almost went back into the house, unable to shake my uneasiness. I had a meeting that morning and by noon I was racing to meet my sister Michelle. On my way into Hollywood I noticed the atmosphere had not changed. It still seemed unusually silent and depressing and it had begun to drizzle. As I drove down Melrose Avenue, I saw Michelle standing on the corner, a look of concern on her face. “y/nn, I just got a call from Dad,” she said as I pulled up. “Nate’s been trying to reach you. It’s something about Matt in the hospital.” Nate Doe was Matt’s road manager and right-hand man. I froze. If he was trying to reach me, something must be terribly wrong. I told Michelle to take her car and quickly follow me home. the hospital all year; there were times when he wasn’t even sick that he’d check in for a rest, to get away from pressures, or just out of boredom. It had never been anything too serious.

I thought about our daughter, Charlotte, who was visiting Matt at Graceland and was supposed to come home that very day. Oh God, I prayed. Please let everything be all right. Don’t let anything happen, please, dear God.

I ran every red light and nearly hit a dozen cars. At last, I reached home, and as I swerved down the driveway, I could hear the phone ringing from inside the house. Please don’t hang up, I prayed, jumping out of the car and running toward the door. “I’m coming,” I yelled. I tried to get my key in the lock, but my hand wouldn’t stop shaking. Finally I got into the house, grabbed the receiver, and yelled, “Hello, hello?”

All I could hear was the hum of a longdistance line, then a stricken, faint voice, “y/nn. It’s Nate.”

“What’s happened, Nate?”

“It’s Matt.”

“Oh, my God. Don’t tell me.”

“y/nn, he’s dead.”

“Nate, don’t tell me that. Please!”

“We’ve lost him.”

“No. NO!” I begged him to take back his words. Instead, he was silent. “We’ve lost him—” His voice broke and we both began to cry. “Nate, where’s Charlotte?” I asked.

“She’s okay. She’s with Grandma.”

“Thank God. Nate, send a plane for me, please. And hurry. I want to come home.”

As I hung up, Michelle and Mother, who had just arrived, embraced me and we cried in each other’s arms. Within minutes the phone rang again. For a moment I hoped for a miracle; they were calling me back to tell me that Matt was still alive, that it was all right, that it had all been a bad dream.

But there were no miracles. “Mommy, Mommy,” Charlotte was saying. “Something’s happened to Daddy.” “I know, Baby,” I whispered. “I’ll be there soon. I’m waiting for the plane now.”

“Everybody’s crying, Mommy.”

I felt helpless. What could I say to her? I couldn’t even find words to comfort myself. I feared what she would be hearing. She didn’t yet know that he had died. All I kept saying over and over was, “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Try to stay in Grandma’s room, away from everyone.” In the background I could hear a grief-stricken James moaning in agony. “My son’s gone. Dear God, I’ve lost my son.”

Fortunately a child’s innocence provides its own protection. Death was not yet a reality to her. She said she’d go out and play with Laura, her friend.

I hung up and walked around in a daze, still numb with shock. The news hit the media instantly. My phones did not stop ringing, with friends trying to cope with the shock, members of the family grasping for explanations, and the press demanding statements. I locked myself in the bedroom and left instructions that I would not speak to anyone, that I wanted to be alone. In fact, I wanted to die. Love is very deceiving. Though we were divorced, Matt was still an essential part of my life. Over the last years we’d become good friends, admitting the mistakes we’d made in the past and just beginning to laugh at our shortcomings. I could not face the reality that I would never see him alive again. He had always been there for me. I depended on him, just as he depended on me. We had a bond: We’d become closer and had more understanding and patience for each other than in our married life. We had even talked of one day  . . . And now he was gone. I remembered our last phone conversation, just a few days before. His mood had been good as he talked about the twelve-day tour he was about to begin. He even laughed when he told me that, as usual, the Colonel had papered the first city they were scheduled to hit with his posters and that his records were being played constantly in advance of his arrival.

“Good old Colonel,” Matt had said. “We’ve come a long way. He’s still puttin’ out that same old stuff. It’s a wonder people are still buying it.”

I loved hearing Matt laugh, something he had been doing less and less. Just days before that last call, I’d heard that his spirits were down and he was contemplating breaking up with Ginger Alden, his girlfriend. I knew him well enough to realize that this was not an easy move for him to make. If only I’d known that would be the last time I’d talk to him, I’d have said so much more: things I wanted to say and never had, things I’d held inside me for so many years because the timing was always wrong.

He had been a part of my life for eighteen years. When we met, I had just turned fourteen. The first six months I spent with him were filled with tenderness and affection. Blinded by love, I saw none of his faults or weaknesses. He was to become the passion of my life.

He taught me everything: how to dress, how to walk, how to apply makeup and wear my hair, how to behave, how to return love his way. Over the years he became my father, husband, and very nearly God. Now he was gone and I felt more alone and afraid than ever in my life.

The hours went by slowly before Matt’s private plane, the Charlotte Grace, arrived. Behind closed doors I sat and waited, remembering our life together—the joy, the pain, the sadness, and the triumphs—from the very first time I heard his name.

We boarded the Charlotte Grace around nine o’clock that evening, just my parents, Michelle, Jerry Schilling, Amber Doe, and a few close friends. At first, I just sat alone, in despair. Then I went to the back of the plane, to Matt’s bedroom. I lay there, unable to believe that Matt was really dead.

I remembered the jokes Matt used to make about dying. He’d say, “It’d really take something for me to leave this earth.” Yet he wore a chain around his neck that had both a cross and a Star of David on it. He would joke about it, saying he wanted to be covered in all areas, just in case.

He’d had a fear of flying, but he never showed it. Matt never showed any of his fears. He felt he had a responsibility to make everyone else feel secure. So he gave the impression he was self-assured, because he didn’t want to let any of us down.

I thought of a time when we were on a flight home from Los Angeles. There was a lot of turbulence, and the plane was shaking badly. Everyone on board was frightened. Everyone but Matt. When I looked at him, he was smiling, and then he took my hand.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “We’re gonna make it.” Suddenly, I felt safe. There was a certainty about Matt. If he said it was going to be, then it was going to be that way.

The trip seemed endless. By the time we reached Boston, I was numb. We were ushered into a waiting limousine, to avoid the crush of photographers. Then we sped off to Graceland, where we were met by frantic, disbelieving faces: relatives and close friends, the maids—the same people who had been around us for so many years. I had spent most of my life with these people and seeing them now was devastating.

Most of Matt’s close family—James, Grandma, her daughters, Delta and Nash, and others—congregated in Grandma’s room, while his friends, and the guys who worked for him, were mostly gathered in the den. Everyone else seemed to just be walking in and out of the rooms, silent and solemn, glancing around in disbelief.

Charlotte was outside on the lawn, with a friend, riding around on the golf cart that her father had given her. At first I was amazed that she was able to play at a time like this, but when I talked to her, I realized that the full impact of what happened hadn’t hit her yet. She’d seen the paramedics rushing Matt away, and he was still at the hospital when I’d arrived, so Charlotte was confused.

“Is it true?” she asked. “Is my daddy really gone?”

Again, I was really at a loss for words. She was our child. It was difficult enough for me to believe and confront Matt’s death myself. I just didn’t know how to tell her that she would never see her daddy again.

I nodded, then took her into my arms. We hugged and then she ran out and started riding around in her golf cart again. But now I was glad she could play. I knew it was her way of avoiding reality.

The night seemed endless. Several of us sat around the dining room table talking, and it was then that I learned the circumstances of Matt’s death. I was told that Matt had played racquetball with his cousin, Billy Smith, until four o’clock that morning, while Billy’s wife, Jo, and Matt’s girlfriend, Ginger, watched them. Then they all presumably retired for the night. But as Ginger slept, Matt stayed up to read. He called down to his Aunt Delta for some ice water and said he was having a hard time sleeping.

Matt was still reading when Ginger woke up at nine o’clock that morning, and then she went back to sleep until about 1 p.m. When she awoke, Matt was not in bed. She found him lying face down on his bathroom floor.

Ginger called downstairs, and Al Strada and Nate Doe came running up. After calling the paramedics, Nate gave Matt CPR until they arrived. As the paramedics were leaving to rush Matt to the hospital, his personal physician, “Dr. Joe,” arrived and rode in the ambulance, working on Matt all the way to Baptist Memorial. There the staff tried for another half an hour to revive Matt, but it was all futile. He was pronounced dead on arrival of heart failure. James then requested an autopsy. The body was taken to the Boston Funeral Home to be prepared for viewing in Graceland the following day.

As I sat listening to the events leading up to Matt’s last hours, I became more and more disturbed. There were so many questions. Matt was seldom left alone for any length of time.

Suddenly I knew I had to be alone. I went upstairs to Matt’s private suite, where we had spent so much of our life together. The rooms were more orderly than I’d expected. Many of his personal belongings were gone; his nightstand was bare of books.

I went into his dressing room and it was as if I could sense his living presence—his own unique scent filled the room. It was an eerie sensation.

From the dining room window I could see thousands of people out on Matt Sturniolo Boulevard waiting for the hearse that would bring his body back to Graceland. His music filled the air as radio stations throughout the nation paid tribute to the King.

Soon the casket was placed in the entrance hall and opened for viewing. I sat in Grandma’s room most of that afternoon as thousands of mourners from all over the world passed by, paying their last respects. Many wept; some men and women even fainted. Others lingered at the casket, refusing to believe it was him. He was truly loved, admired, and respected.

I waited for the right moment for Lisa and me to say goodbye. It was late that evening, and Matt had already been moved to the living room where the funeral was to be held. It was quiet; everyone had left. Together we stood over him, emotional. “You look so peaceful, Sattnin, so rested. I know you’ll find happiness and all the answers there.” Then I joked, “Just don’t cause any trouble at the Pearly Gates.” Charlotte took my hand and we placed a sterling silver bracelet depicting a mother and child’s clasped hands on his right wrist. “We’ll miss you.” I knew my life would never be the same.

Colonel came to the funeral wearing his usual baseball hat, shirt, and slacks. He disguised his emotions as best he could. Matt had been like his own son. From the old school, the Colonel was considered a coldhearted businessman, but in truth he had stayed faithful and loyal to Matt, even when his career began to slip. This day he asked James to sign a contract extending his position as Matt’s manager. He was already planning ways to keep Matt’s name before the public. He acted quickly, fearful that with Matt gone, James would be too distraught to handle correctly the many proposals and propositions that would be in the offing. James signed.

At the service, Charlotte and I sat with James and his new fiancée, Sandy Miller, Dodger, Delta, Patsy, my parents, Michelle, and the rest of the family. George Hamilton was there. Julia Ernst attended with her husband, Roger Smith. Julia expressed her sympathy so sincerely I felt a genuine bond with her.

J.D. and the Stamps Quartet sang Matt’s favorite gospel songs. James had chosen the preacher, a man who hardly knew Matt and spoke mostly of his generosity. Matt would probably have laughed and told his dad, “Couldn’t you have got a comedian or something?” Matt would not have wanted us to grieve.

After the service we drove to the cemetery, Charlotte and I riding with James and Sandy. It was three miles away and for the whole three miles both sides of the street were lined with mourners, and at the cemetery there were thousands more. The pallbearers—Jerry Schilling, Nate Doe, George Klein, Steven Wright, Billy Smith, Charlie Hodge, Dr. Joe, and Gene Smith—carried the casket to the marble mausoleum where Matt was finally laid to rest. There we held a short ceremony and, one by one, walked to the coffin, kissed or touched it, and spoke a few words of farewell. Shortly after, for security reasons, he was moved to Graceland in the meditation garden, his final resting place.

Before Charlotte and I returned to L.A., James called me to his office. He was overwhelmed with grief. Did I know anything that would help him to understand why his son had died? He never fully accepted it, and I believed his pain led to his own death, just as Grandma later never recovered from James’s death.

When Charlotte and I returned home I was torn, trying to decide what was best for her. Many conflicting stories were coming out in the national publications and I knew these could have a lasting negative effect on her memory of her father. I decided to send her to summer camp. There she could be protected from radio, TV, and newspapers and could be with her many friends, including Debbie and Cindy, Nate and Amber’s children.

By the time she returned, I’d already made plans with Michelle for a long trip to Europe. Anything to get away from the constant reminders that filled the media.

Matt’s death made me much more aware of my own mortality and that of the people I loved. I realized I’d better start sharing a lot more with the people that I cared about, and every moment that I had with my child or my parents became more precious.

I learned from Matt, often—sadly—from his mistakes. I learned that having too many people around can sap your energies. I learned the price of trying to make everyone happy. Matt would bestow gifts on some, making others jealous, often creating rivalries and anxieties within the group. I learned to confront people, and to face issues—two steps Matt had avoided.

I learned to take charge of my life. Matt had been so young when he became a star that he was never able to handle the power and money that accompanied his fame. In many ways, he was a victim, destroyed by the very people who catered to his every want and need. He was a victim, too, of his image. His public wanted him to be perfect while the press mercilessly exaggerated his faults. He never had the chance to be human, to grow up to be a mature adult, to experience the world outside his artificial cocoon.

When Matt Sturniolo died, a little of our own lives was taken from each of us who knew and loved Matt Sturniolo, who shared in his music, his films, who followed his career. His passion was entertaining his friends and fans. His audience was his true love. And the love Matt and I shared was a deep and abiding one.

He was, and remains, the greatest influence in my life.

Excerpt from: "Elvis and Me" by Priscilla Beaulieu Presley. Scribd. This material may be protected by copyright.

a/n - sad endings actually kill me. i cried multiple times. thank you so much for all the love & support on this story i really enjoyed it. let me know what kind of writing you would like to see next🎀

[nitewrighter]

What I don't get about all the hubbub regarding the Pokemon leaks, is why these people are so upset about it defiling their canon, when all of the stuff that has been revealed is stuff from the cutting room floor? You know, stuff that was not implemented in any game? The stuff they're pitching a fit about is stuff that's explicitly not canon. Typhlosion COULD have fucked, but GameFreak decided they don't, in the end. That should have been the end of he conversation, but it wasn't, unfortunately.

All it's done is show just how many so-called Pokemon fans lack any kind of reading comprehension. Not that it's anything new mind you, but the lack of self-awareness is starting to get well and truly tiresome.

Yeah I'm honestly so over most "bUt tHE cOnCePT ArT!" discourse at this point. I kind of got over it back with all the "Mercy was almost a black man!!!" discourse with Overwatch back in the day. People were so happy to like, immediately get misogynistic as fuck to basically be performative about how much better Mercy would be as a black man, how much better all the Mercy ships would be as M/M, even though, like, we did still have a black male healer with Lúcio, and then we got another black male healer hero with Baptiste, and the "Mercy would be better as a black man!!" crowd paid Baptiste about as much mind as chopped liver. So much of the shock and outrage is so performative like--you're still consuming the media, dude!!

And the same goes for a lot of animated films--like, yeah, the final product of animated films isn't as pretty as the concept art--the point of concept art is piecing together the concept! Of course that's going to go through a meat grinder as animation studios adjust for budget and timeframes and all this other shit!!

I actually wrote about this a little bit when discussing fanfic communities for library school a while back--gimme a sec, let me try and find it in my docs--

Fans write fics influenced, not simply by the text of a media itself, but by cast interviews, concept art, even tweets, videos, or other social media posts by actors, directors, and writers. ... As the internet has made these behind the scenes perspectives widely accessible, the “source material” for fanfic has thus expanded to outside of the canonical text of a media and further into an “auxiliary canon” of its production. ....  The fan fascination with “Behind the scenes” posits a Doylist meta-narrative ripe for speculation. Watching an actor switch between being in character and out of character on a blooper reel or other behind the scenes media lends itself to a certain parasocial intimacy—the viewer has a sense that they are viewing something genuine and organic that represents the “True” person behind the fictional character (McGee, 2005) when in fact that particular clip was far more likely curated out of dozens or hundreds of hours of more tedious takes and bloopers—at the end of the day, they are still viewing  only a fragment of another human in the context of a professional environment. 

...goddamn I had fun writing that paper. But god it was also so influenced by my "Desperately searching for any and all Overwatch lore crumbs" fandom experience.

But like--Yeah, while I'm largely over the frequently performative shock towards stuff that didn't make it to the final product, I do understand production of media as informing fandom experience.

[venusjailer]

Will I ever stop pathologising the AP main characters and creating incredibly detailed backgrounds riddled with childhood trauma? It’s unlikely!

(INSANELY LONG) (LIKE INSANELY) (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED) EXPLANATIONS BELOW

(And If you have hc’s feel free to share!)

Patrick: cmon. The entire plot of AP is literally him just begging to be noticed.

Bro is devoid of attention right until the very last scene (aka the one with his lawyer). Sorry to all the SiGmA mALe AMPS fans but this is not a “sigma 🥶”, this is a man who did not receive a MORSEL of affection during his formative years.

His obsession with ‘fitting in’ (ie being accepted and therefore cared about) through his clothes, his looks, his social circle; his outbursts of intense emotion and inability to regulate them (almost as if he was never taught how to do so); the way he views the women in his life in an almost maternal way (namely Evelyn and Jean) - he just needs a hug!!!

And some intense therapy. And heavy duty psych meds.

Paul: this one is partly canonical, partly not.

The way that his character is almost revered by the other guys at P&P is interesting; he comes over as this über cool, competent, successful finance bro almost to a greater extent than they think they are.

But then he gets drunk with Patrick away from the office and from the constraints of corporate professionalism and becomes this silly goofy little guy.

I don’t necessarily think his work ‘persona’ is an act: I think it’s the parts of himself that he has to accentuate in order to succeed.

Also - I took influence for this from the amazing Paul character studies written by my dear friend @leoblooms on AO3 - please check them out

Luis: this one is pretty self-explanatory.

He’s the only confirmed canonically queer character in AP (although, come on, Patrick’s canon closet is made of glass at this point). And yet - in a way that so many LGBT+ people have suffered with throughout history and sadly even to this day - he can never, ever show it. Being openly gay in his environment would make him a social pariah.

Instead, he has to fit in: he’s marrying a woman, he’s acting like ~one of the guys~, he’s hoping that he can suffocate that part of himself by burying it six feet underground. But as so many of us know all too well: you can’t hide who you are forever. The bathroom scene with Patrick just proves this.

I also wanted to make a note of this because it’s very interesting to me - I read the most AMAZING fic a couple of years ago that was written from Courtney’s perspective, and in it it was mentioned that Luis is Catholic. I’m a Christian as well (from a famously progressive denomination) and although a lot of attitudes are changing within the Catholic Church, particularly right now, the ‘gay = sin’ mentality does prevail for many.

So it makes sense that if Luis was raised Catholic he has been suppressing that part of himself for a very long time. I can see him lying to himself and having girlfriends in high school.

Courtney: my literal baby girl. I’ve written a whole 18k character study on her because I find her so canonically fascinating.

My headcanon is that her father was absent from her life from a young age - but this is rooted in how she actually acts in the source material.

In the boardroom scene, Luis thanks Patrick for “taking care of Courtney last night”. To me, it sounds like he’s taking on a role that’s almost paternal. She is also notably reliant, and almost clingy, on the men in her life: telling Patrick she can’t go out because she’s waiting for Luis to call, and practically begging Patrick to call her after they’ve slept together.

Additionally there’s the whole ‘fucking my best friend’s boyfriend’ thing - I’m getting WAY off topic here but I see so much of her in Cassie from Euphoria. Unless someone is purposefully malicious and nasty, I think there’s always a reason for that kind of thing, even if it is complex and unsavoury.

I hate to use the term “daddy issues” because it absolves absent/abusive fathers of all of their damage and unfairly places the blame on young women, but if I had to describe a reason for why she might act in this way - having seen it first-hand myself from many people - that would be it.

Evelyn: so I did take some influence from Reese Witherspoon’s character in Legally Blonde here - but I think Evelyn is actually one of the smartest characters in AP and so I feel it’s fitting.

She comes over as incredibly ditzy and shallow, but remember we’re seeing and reading all of this from Patrick’s perspective - of course he’s not going to have a high opinion of her, because…it’s Patrick Bateman were talking about here.

In reality, she’s probably one of the most socially clued-in characters. For example: she effortlessly hosts big gatherings with grace and decorum even if the majority of guests are, let’s be honest, fucking insufferable.

She’s also the only character who can actually handle Patrick and meets him on his own level. She absolutely refuses to take any of his bullshit (“what am I supposed to do with that? Floss with it?”).

Her actions and force prove her to be the strong willed and savvy and to me that suggests intellect, as much as it may be hidden - again, due to the environment she exists in.

Bryce: he’s so interesting.

I’ve not written as much about him in my fics as the others, but his actions in the source material suggest that underneath his finance bro Wall Street image, he’s someone who’s very disillusioned, and almost broken.

I really wish the scene of his…episode?…in the club hadn’t been cut from the film. I’d recommend anyone to watch it (and the rest of the deleted scenes because they’re class) if they’ve not seen it already.

There’s also The Informers, the book and film adaptation of another of of Bret Easton Ellis’ works, which features a young Tim Bryce (referred to as Price) and the complex relationship with his father. I’ve not read/watched it in full yet, but whilst they’re on holiday Bryce’s father gets drunk and acts lecherous and gross towards young women on the beach, and Bryce is disgusted by this (perhaps he’s not as much of a raging misogynist as his peers?), and then makes ‘joking’ comments about Bryce being the subject of attraction by other men, to which Bryce walks out on him (perhaps he’s less condemning of homophobia than the others? Or, possibly…maybe he has less than hetero feelings himself? Not to spoil any of Mergerizations but I headcanon him as bisexual tbh).

This behaviour suggests that, at least as a teen, Bryce was very assertive of what was and wasn’t okay and was happy to make these views known.

But due to bullying by his father and, again, the environment that he likely grew up in, he has to suppress this part of himself to be accepted.

WOWWWW that was a whole ass essay. If you’ve read to this part, 1) I’m sorry 2) THANK YOU 3) I love you!!!!

[broodwoof]

Happy Birthday!!!

What did I love? Companions in combat! When the devs said they tried to make combat feel intimate, I think they really nailed it. Companions are so responsive to what's happening to Rook and the battlefield, half the time I was taking cues from companion combat barks instead of the game's HUD. I still love the slower combat in CRPGs like Pillars and BG3, but I think the faster pace worked quite well for this game.

I also think it's kind of hilarious (sincerely affectionate) that the Veilguard crew is the least dysfunctional of all the DA parties. I love the thought of the previous protagonists having a round table discussion about how to stop their friends from killing each other (again), when Rook waltzes in late because the lighthouse potluck or book club went on too long (again).

thank you!!! got so many more of these than i ever expected, still playing catchup 😂 this fandom is so lovely and generous though 🥺💖

and yes!!! same here! i was really listening to my companions during combat and would react to what they told me! especially bc it was specific enough to be helpful. "on your right!" instead of "look out!" or smth. really made it feel integrated and responsive in a way i'm not used to but was absolutely delighted by!

ajfksjkfl and right? they're like... they really do have it together. they're full on making regular meals and figuring out who's gonna do what and having recurring downtime activities and hanging out together and checking in on each other and it's all really, really nice actually! like they're all professionals, they're all accustomed to working with other people, and that shows in how they manage to work so smoothly with each other even with significant differences of perspective/outlook/background/methodology/etc. it's fascinating!!!

[commsroom]

Hello !! Do you have thoughts on Rhea :]

yes, i do!! with the caveat that we have such limited information on lovelace's crew, what we do have is almost entirely filtered through her perspective, and we kinda... know rhea the least. as much as i find eris a fascinating character too, i wish we'd heard more of rhea.

which is kind of the first thing: rhea is the only AI character in wolf 359 who doesn't have a voice. (we don't hear hyperion's voice, which is supposedly not integrated yet, but he's not even really treated like a character in the scene he's in. and that's a whole other thing.) for hera in particular, she feels a physical disconnect from the others, but the fact that wolf 359 is audio only makes her an equal presence from the perspective of the audience. (which carries over to the live show, where the other characters may not be able to see her, but the audience can, etc.) rhea's situation is kind of the opposite, where her words can be seen by the others, but the audience can only hear or infer her words via what the others read out loud or respond to.

rhea clearly cares about her fellow crewmates, and seems to get along with lambert in particular. lovelace's log: "and communications officer lambert is... communications officer lambert. so an enormous stick in the mud. [...] i heard that, rhea. you are expressly forbidden from telling him i said that." - a sentiment it's easy to imagine early minkowski expressing about eiffel and hera, for the opposite reason. in a more direct parallel, rhea reassures lambert that he "does a great job"; in bach to the future, hera tells eiffel he's "actually very good at his job." the difference in context highlights their priorities; eiffel and hera are having a heart to heart about worthiness, while rhea really is talking about lambert's job - work is important to him, and most people around him don't respect or appreciate his work. what we can infer about rhea is that she's... well, the kind of person who would be lambert's friend. straightforward, rule-following, and professional.

(even something like "see, rhea? i told you someone read [my reports to command]" indicates that they talk to each other a fair amount, but also serves as a mirror to eiffel's belief no one listens to his logs.)

maybe the most interesting thing to me about rhea is her defense of eris: "it's just the way they programmed her, back off." ... again, the complete opposite of how hera might respond. eiffel tries to "defend" her in a similar way in ep 7 - "you can't really hold that against her; it's just her programming" - and she finds it incredibly insulting. with all of that taken together, with how lovelace, lambert, and rhea are in many ways intentional opposites to minkowski, eiffel, and hera, it really makes me wonder how rhea identifies or perceives herself.

i think hera is functionally human, both in her singular, consistent image of herself, and in her role in the narrative. eris appears human to lovelace, but is clear that it's how she sees "a version of herself." whether that refers to that iteration of eris having multiple versions of herself, or if it refers to all of the iterations of her who exist: either way it's a reflection of the way eris exists, and her acceptance of that. by extension, the fact that we don't encounter rhea in any way other than beeping sounds and implied words on station monitors... kind of says something narratively, i think. going back to her lack of voice, even that level of distance and abstraction takes her further away from 'human' perceptions by the audience, while she's obviously still a full person with her own priorities, perspectives, and opinions. i think it's very interesting to consider she might prefer her state of (lack of physical) existence in a way hera clearly does not.

[berthryn]

Now I can’t shake the thought that the French officer case in Syria, the one mentioned at the start of Murder on the Orient Express, could actually be the very case that first brought Poirot and Satterthwaite together.

Reason 1:

Three Act Tragedy is the very next book published after MOTOE.

Reason 2:

We know that before Three Act Tragedy, Hercule Poirot and Mr. Satterthwaite had already crossed paths—which is fascinating because Three Act Tragedy teases us with these almost contradictory impressions they formed of each other the first time around. It makes me really curious about what kind of case brought them together in the first place (because obviously, it must have been a case).

Mr. Satterthwaite’s initial take on Poirot is especially intriguing because it’s so two-sided:

On one hand, he’s certain Poirot doesn’t “get” the British at all. Poirot is just too foreign, and Satterthwaite thinks he can’t wrap his head around either Anglo-Saxon complexes in general or young British women in particular.

On the other hand, he completely trusts Poirot’s detective skills—to the point that he mentally labels Poirot as “professional,” someone you don’t ask to just casually investigate things.

And yet, for most people, Poirot’s greatest strength is precisely his deep understanding of people—the way he studies their personalities, habits, and emotions (he basically said as much himself in The Murder of Roger Ackroyd). So, how could Satterthwaite possibly believe Poirot can be both an extraordinary detective and clueless about human nature at the same time? Some bias against foreigners might be at play, sure, but it’s still interesting that in Satterthwaite’s mind, these two traits can coexist.

Poirot’s view of Satterthwaite, meanwhile, is built on a much more personal level. Poirot sees him as someone who’s uniquely sensitive to romantic undercurrents—perceptive, sentimental, maybe even surprising to himself. Poirot fully trusts Satterthwaite’s character and observations, but never actually comments on his skill in handling cases.

So here’s my theory: The case where they first met wasn’t your typical day-to-day British affair. It definitely didn’t go down in England and probably didn’t involve many British folks. Think somewhere off in a more “official” or “military” environment, like the French military case Poirot took in Syria. In a setup like that, Poirot might have focused on the bigger, more official threads of the investigation, while Satterthwaite dealt with the civilian angle—like what we see in One, Two, Buckle My Shoe or Cat Among the Pigeons.

If that’s how it happened, it makes perfect sense. From Satterthwaite’s perspective, Poirot’s case wouldn’t have felt connected to ordinary people—thus reinforcing the idea that Poirot doesn’t quite “get” them. From Poirot’s viewpoint, though, he’d still notice Satterthwaite’s subtle, romantic side. That’s exactly the kind of emotional nuance Poirot is famous for picking up on in Christie’s stories, and it would’ve shaped his first impression of Satterthwaite just as strongly as any official detective work.

[literatureloverx]

Hello,

I have an interest in Greek mythology as well, so I don’t mind the discussion in the slightest. It is cool that she is both an agricultural deity and a chthonic one: life and death. Seeing how her absence from Earth is associated with winter, I find it somewhat distantly related to your name “Snow White” as well.

You are not bothering people just by discussing your problems with them. If they are unable to support you or don’t care, it is on them to communicate that. Also, even though you believe your struggles are comparatively “not that bad,” that does not make them any less worthy of addressing if it bothers you. However, I am glad you seek support from your family and friends. Do you feel that being independent and primarily trying to solve issues on your own has been effective thus far? As someone who also does not typically seek others for help, oftentimes it can be lonely or inefficient.

I would say I don’t have nearly as much pride or impulsiveness as Anakin, but I find his intense fear of loss and subsequent obsession in regard to Padmé relatable. He is a fascinating character and somehow both extremely smart and childishly naïve in some aspects. In all honesty, I think I share more traits with Obi-Wan, only less morally upright and more inclined to bend or break rules.

I hear you are learning Russian (for the accent)? Knowing so many as many languages as you do is impressive. How do you typically approach learning new languages?

My (joking) guide to a Slavic accent:

1. Watch Victor Arcane clips.

2. Repeat "Glorious Evolution", "viral bronchitus", and "Victor Nation: how we feeling?" in his voice until you get it right.

I hope you feel better soon,

— 🫀 Cœur anon

(Also, I don’t find it creepy, it is clear that I look at your blog as well, after all. I am not a medical student - although I could have been/kind of wanted to be - but I do like organs. I am curious about what academic or professional fields you are in, if you are comfortable sharing.)

You have such a unique mind; I hope you’re aware of it. I was initially fixated on the pomegranate and apple symbolism, but you’ve drawn a much more thoughtful and logical connection with the winter parallel. Do you always think this way? Very impressive.

Thank you so much for caring—it truly means a lot to me.♥️ Most of the time, I’m able to work through things on my own if I can approach them logically and with a calm perspective. But when it comes to emotional struggles, it’s a different story. I often get stuck in analysis paralysis or feel completely overwhelmed, and I can’t always pull myself out of that on my own.

I also hesitate when it comes to trusting others’ advice because I’m not always convinced they fully understand the heart of the issue. So… it can feel a bit isolating at times. How is it for you, though?

I hope also that you have people in your life who can truly understand and support you during tough times. I can imagine you’d rather share those thoughts with someone closer to you than with a random stranger on the internet. But if you ever do feel like talking, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d be honoured to listen to anything you want to share. (And no, this isn’t me mirroring your words, I promise—though I do hope it doesn’t come across that way, haha.) So yes, overall, I agree that it can feel lonely or inefficient.

I can see why you might find Obi-Wan relatable (does the humour factor in as well, by the way?). Personally, I feel I relate more to Qui-Gon Jinn. I’ll keep it gender-neutral here, as there aren’t many female characters in the prequels. Besides, the women in Star Wars often seem so self-assured and authoritative, which doesn’t feel particularly representative of me. That said, you’re always welcome to suggest another character if you think someone else might suit me better.

I actually started learning Russian because I wanted to read Russian works in their original language someday, but… it doesn’t seem like a realistic dream so far, unfortunately. I’ve been really inconsistent lately. At this rate, it might take me a couple of years, haha. Thank you very much for the compliment, but I don’t think I’m particularly gifted at learning new languages. I’ve just been watching a lot of movies in the language I’m trying to learn, which worked for me with French (though it didn’t help with my inconsistency… but anyway, I can at least understand conversations, right?). The same isn’t really possible with Russian, though, because there’s censorship and, generally, a lack of Russian media here in Germany due to the current situation. I hope that’s at least a little helpful.

The reason I’m trying to fake a Russian accent is simply because I find it attractive. I actually tried following your guide to a Slavic accent. Believe it or not, it works. Hahaha.

Regarding my academic field—yes, I’m comfortable sharing, and thank you again for being so sensible. I originally wanted to study psychology because I’ve always been passionate about it, and I hope to eventually become a psychologist. However, due to some issues with matriculation, I would have had to wait about four semesters to enroll. I could have attended another university, but that would have required moving, which wasn’t really an option for me. So, rather than doing nothing while waiting, I decided to matriculate in art history, as it made the most sense under the circumstances.

I’ve always had a strong interest in philosophy and art history as well, but psychology remains my primary focus. I’ll likely pursue it after completing my current studies. I’ll probably finish everything by the time I’m 30… so maybe finding a rich husband wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all. No responsibilities—it does sound rather appealing, doesn’t it? Hahaha.

Edit: I don’t think I’ve said this before—in fact, I checked and I really haven’t—but I genuinely like this letter format. It feels like receiving real letters, haha. Not many people do that here. Also, I’m actually curious about things regarding you too, but I’m not sure if I should ask since you’re quite discreet about yourself (and I can totally understand why), which is why I’m holding back a bit.

[castlebyersafterdark]

re your tags. look I can see how it could be sad if we look at it that way buuuut let’s think for a minute. noah has known finn forever and pretty sure he’s always had a crush, it’s been obvious to me since s2 imo but I don’t think he would like act up like this way if he still had a hopeless, could never be reciprocated crush, seeing as how he’s older now, knows how to hide it appropriately after years, and also wouldn’t want to make things weird seeing as how they are doing an onscreen romance at the same time ya know? I feel like he would be able to keep his composure and professionalism for the sake of Finn’s comfort at least if not himself lmao buuuuut if there is something going on there beyond just friendship? then yea shit is gonna leak out a little bit because he’s excited and can’t help himself. like imagine having a crush on someone for years as a kid and then it (maybe) finally happening?!? yea you’re gonna be a bit down bad. that’s my thought process lol

I am delulu and free but with a side of still being logical hahahahha

Compiling several of these here!!! The wildly different reactions to fan-acount-gate hahaha.

It's honestly one of the more interesting little sleuthing things I've seen so far - it's just so. Odd. But endearing? Whether he's in a relationship with the man or not, it's so in the realm of having feelings for the guy, and this is a neutral read as someone who has fun with the concept of these two together but does try to look at it from an outside perspective with passive enjoyment as my interaction with FN. (Primarily because I don't like admitting to being wrong? Perhaps. The Byler confidence is strong and there's so much evidence to back that up as a story-telling narrative. A celebrity relationship? Tabloid gossip via fan blogs. So much room for error. And I don't like to lose hahahaha) I CAN ADMIT IT.

Intrigued and hopeful but free, that's me! Because it's such a Noah move? His hyper-online engagement with his own fandom. Not like most celebrities. Endlessly endearing. Following fan accounts is so random. It feels like he was covering for following the Finn ones with the others. I get being on tiktok and having edits from the show you are in pushed to you (I don't really know how it works, maybe he sought them out in the past, maybe it was happenstance on the feed or a friend sent it and he was amused). But pointedly following a FW fan account and then looking at the stories??? Boy....

Because Finn is the guy he literally sees all the time at work and also clearly hangs out with. In reality. In person. In his real life. And then he goes online and is looking at content like that? Wild. It could be pining, it could be all in his feels if it's real and they're apart, it could just be a cheeky little thing like hell yeah, that's my man and none of you even know. FASCINATED.

Hey, maybe Finn is chilling in the bed next to him and Noah is showing him the edits kind of teasing him about them and then hmmmm. Fanfic territory. Moving on...

[marmolita]

Magnus protocol 1&2 thoughts! Here be spoilers and also spoilers for TMA! Also fyi I'm gonna be tagging with "the magnus protocol" for tmagp stuff and continuing to use the fandom name plus "spoilers" for anything spoilery.

Stuff I like:

Diving right in with the majorly fucked up "statements," 100% here for it!!! I liked the second one better than the first because I felt like I actually understood what was going on in it better, and it was sufficiently fucked and creepy.

I like the idea that this is basically like the archive, but it's in a different form where they have to read/listen to/watch the statements and then categorize and file them

I ♥️ Sam, he's wonderful so far 😍

Gwen is fascinating and I appreciate a girl who's a stickler for filing things properly (I'm an Amy Santiago type of person myself). I'm interested to see how things go with her and definitely interested to see what goes on with her and Lena

Lena 👀👀 who is she? how did she get here? how much is she in the know? Presumably she's aware that she's running basically a Beholding archive but also presumably this universe does not have a living Jonah Magnus so her backstory is probably very different.

Jon and Martin zapped into the computer like Freakazoid is a great callback to the computer ep from tma and that they're not really alive in the same way they were before (assuming ofc it's them). I'm definitely interested to see who else is in there with them 👀

I like the way the statements start off in computerized voices and then gradually fade to normal voice and then back again 👍

Stuff I don't like:

Probably unpopular opinion: I absolutely cannot stand Alice. I want to like her and I'm hoping that the storyline will change my mind, but she's just kind of a jerk? Like the whole "go ask Colin about the app" thing was just a dick move, and the aggressive irreverence comes off as rude and irritating to me. Presumably she has a tragic backstory and this is some kind of put-on act to cover up her emotional turmoil but would it hurt to be a little nicer to people? Gwen is rude too but she's owning it, not pretending that she's nice. As a listener I feel like I'm expected to find Gwen disagreeable but I'm expected to find Alice charming, and I really, really don't.

The audio in the break room is terrible. I assume part of this is that we're supposed to be listening from the perspective of an electronic device, maybe a copy machine that's around the corner or something, and I get that, but I cannot fucking hear what they're saying. I'm usually either listening in the car or in an environment with lots of other sounds and it's just inaudible for me.

This is true for some other sections as well, though the break room is the worst. I have enough trouble just understanding accents sometimes since I'm not British (I watch all BBC tv shows with the captions turned on 😅) so when audibility is low this becomes even harder.

Some of the transitions were unclear. I loved the artist statement, but it was not clear to me who was listening to it, how it was getting played, or what was going on. I'm not familiar enough with the voices yet to identify people and for a minute I thought Lena was taking a statement in person.

I assume I'll figure this out in time, but I can't tell Lena and Gwen apart.

MY SOFTWARE PROFESSIONAL NITPICKS oh my god I know this is an eldritch abomination of a computer system but some of the technobabble is just conflicting! If it's ancient, then it can't be breaking when it auto updates, because 1) your OS and SW did not auto update back then, and 2) if it's been around and auto updating for years it would be newer and not ancient anymore! There was some other technobabble I can't recall at the moment that bothered me too, which I'll probably remember five minutes after making this post. These are all nitpicks that are only annoying to me because software is my day job though so I will accept them.

[laundrycolour]

Nogimoon Memories (Chiba Mamoru about (Team Moon's) Tsukino Usagi; 11.05.2024)

Nogimoon Memories #4

(by Tenju Mitsuki-san, playing Chiba Mamoru in the 5ki version of Sailor Moon)

11.05.2024

One day, after the end of one of the shows

I suddenly got this idea

"Let's film a video as a reminder [of these days]~"

So, Tenju decided that whenever she had leftover energy, she'd film a video documenting her impressions and reflections [from that day]

In every single one of these videos,

Inoue Nagi has made an appearance

LOL

Capturing trivial conversations and impressions,

I've used these videos as a lucky charm [to safely make it] to the next stage

Those are some good memories alright

[T/N: just like with satsuki, since nagi played tsukino usagi, tenju-san made a pun between usagi (rabbit) and ko (子; typically = child), in this case i'd say it's more of an endearment, equivalent to "little bunny". mamoru aka tuxedo mask, the character played by tenju-san, canonically calls usagi "usako", too.]

Playing opposite Nagi,

While feeling her passion burning as brightly as a blue flame,

This was an Usako who looked straight at Mamoru, loving [Mamoru] with all her might

At the same time, she also has a broad perspective, which allows her to see the full picture

I've been helped by her countless times

Nagi herself,

She has this straightforward way of showing her love for others,

And when it comes to facing those in her life, she's polite, and

There's this sense of comfort [you get from her] that makes you want to stay with her forever

Tenju has lived for approximately twice as long as Inoue, but ([in this case] I think age really is just a number LOL)

I can't even imagine

What Nagi will be like once she ages [and gets more experience] on top of it all

[So] profound and crystal clear

And

Courteous

...

Just when you start thinking that she's all serious,

She’ll surprise you with some incredibly cute words,

And she has a wide range,

Like one of those real-deal, classic actresses

Every time I discovered [another one of] this person's amazing qualities,

I got so happy that I wanted to fist pump

[All of] this has turned me into a delighted Tenju

[Professionally handling] any accidents that might've come up, too

[She's] so polished that it's hard to tell which one of us is the senior here

I'm captivated by

Her warmth and kindness

Her bravery and passion

Her sensibility

And

An effortless charm that even she herself might not be aware of!!!

When it comes to Nagi's [many] charms,

You never know which one you're gonna get

If, from now on, I could keep taking a look at everything Nagi has to offer

I'd be happy, I think

Inoue Usako

I’ve been supported by you

We've followed each other('s lead)

We've been fascinated by one another

We've laughed together

We've bared our hearts to each other

I'm grateful for every single moment of it

To my beloved Inoue Usako,

___ with eternal love and respect, ___

tenten mamoru

inoue sailor moon/tenju tuxedo mask

[note: the 2shot featured on her blog isn't exactly the one above (this one was posted on tenju-san’s instagram), but it's quite similar]