#this is all kind of fascinating to me from a like. professional perspective

[theminecraftbee]

i will say following the fractureiser thing is really interesting and kind of funny because if anyone asks me about it, i WILL reiterate what the actual researchers are saying - do not download new mods, do not assume that because you got your mods somewhere that is not curseforge you are safe, do not assume because your mods are not on the list curseforge put out of known infected mods you are safe, follow the instructions in the github to check your machine - because this IS serious and everyone needs to take it seriously.

(and it's a good reminder for folks that minecraft mods are basically arbitrary executable files - treat them like that! if you wouldn't trust a .exe from where you got it, don't trust a .jar, and be aware that you'll always probably be inherently opening yourself to a LITTLE risk by playing modded! not normally this, this is thankfully an unusual situation, but like, you know how it is. also a good reminder that antivirus cannot detect viruses it doesn't know exists, because windows defender is starting to recognize this as a virus now, but that's because security researchers now know it exists. it couldn't recognize it before yesterday despite it existing for weeks, because it didn't know what it was!)

however also the github from the maleware researchers includes the line "we have reason to believe the author of this malware is not a very good programmer in the first place" and reading the full technical timeline. lol. lmao. lol. incredible how many virulent worms and viruses are less works of genius as much as works of sheer opportunity.

(anyway curseforge has finished scanning all the mods in its repository, you can see their tweet about this here. curseforge, at least, is probably safe, although i'd recommend you don't play until you've checked your machine to make sure you don't have any infected files anywhere; even your vanilla minecraft could be infected if you played an infected file at some point!)

[elysiansparadise]

Are there any placements you wish you had in your birth chart?

I'm very happy with my chart, but yes, there are placements that I would love to have.

Placements I wish I had

🤍Virgo Moon. I think this is because of the love I feel towards these people, I genuinely consider them very admirable people and considerate of those around them. Empathetic, rational, highly intelligent and a trustworthy personality, they are often not given credit for that stunning creativity and I don't see them being mentioned for having the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Their self-sufficient and independent personality that is very aware of the needs, emotions and essence of others seems incredible to me, they have that remarkable balance. Many are introspective and are not afraid to analyze the depths of their emotions and it is something that not many usually do.

🤍Libra Mercury. Minutes have passed and you won't even know how but you will be there, listening or reading what they communicate, because they have the quality of catching and captivating through communication. Convincing, astute and above all highly intelligent communicators. Since I mentioned their intellect, in addition to seeing a situation from many different perspectives, they understand ideas quite quickly, in addition to this, these people love the idea of ​​continuing to learn about... any subject in general, they have a wide variety of interests.

🤍Uranus in the 5th house. Their personality is enigmatic, sassy, ​​multifaceted and full of charisma. They know how to grab your attention, but more importantly, they know how to keep it. They have an impressive stage presence and everyone I've met has a skill that stands out considerably from the rest. They are highly creative, very witty and socially charming, even if they call themselves introverts, they make memorable first impressions. They are passionate and unique lovers, I would dare to say that they are even difficult to forget.

🤍Venus in the 6th house. Beyond being charming, kind and self-conscious people, I have noticed that they have a unique quality that they don't realize, that of giving beauty touches to anything. Impeccable taste in fashion, aesthetics and an incredible eye for details and any organizational issue. They do things with their heart, they put their soul into projects, hobbies or causes that they consider important. Their souls are gentle and beautiful, knowing them will bring you many surprises, and each one will be better than the last. They are great as a friend and as a couple, they always seek the well-being of those they love and are capable of giving their best in their relationships. As a personal comment, the dates with them are incredible, they seek to do things that both enjoy and find a balance in their relationships.

🤍Mercury in the 9th house. Smart, funny, eloquent and people with extensive knowledge in their areas of interest. I love it. They are curious people by nature and once something catches their attention they dig deep. A quality to highlight in addition to all the above is their maturity and ability to understand that others think differently and instead of seeing it as a threat to their beliefs, they find what is fascinating in ideas different from their own. They defend their points of view tenaciously and can be very persuasive and skillful with their speech.

🤍Mars in Earth house. I think that in any of these houses [2nd, 6th or 10th] you have two things that I deeply admire, productivity and ambition. I really admire their ethics and the way they work, tenacious, strategic and excellent at long-term planning. They usually have a back-up plan and don't put expectations on anyone. They are demanding of themselves and are very professional in getting the work done. Qualities that I find very attractive. I add that I would like that in addition to this there was either a sextile with Saturn or an opposition.

🤍Moon-Saturn trine, sextile, quintile or biquintile. The self-control and resilience that these aspects give me fascinates me, it gives birth to a strong individual who is aware of all the difficulties they have gone through and is capable of trying to move on. When the Moon-Saturn aspects are used positively, the natives tenaciously rebuild themselves and although they look back to see those things from their past that afflict them, they know that they deserve better than that, that they are better than that and that their past does not define them. Likewise, they give a lot of peace and tranquility in their relationships, they are a great pillar for a partner, friends and family, and most importantly, they seek to understand and take care of what they most love.

[vickyvicarious]

Okay, so this is one of several (I believe?) timeline errors in Seward's accounts. It happens in a few other places but I think nowhere so egregiously as here, with a week of time added in since yesterday's date. I recall that last year there were theories about Dracula affecting Seward's mind in some way, similar to how he affects Renfield and Lucy. While those can be fun to play around with, I'm certain the 'official' explanation is simply that Stoker got mixed up on his timeline and failed to notice that he'd added a week between the 19th and 20th.

All that's backstory though. Because it has only been a day for us, it's perhaps easier to miss, but if we assume the timeline mentioned in the actual text of the entry is what Stoker was envisioning, then... Renfield has seemingly been chained to a wall and in a straightjacket for a week straight:

For the first week after his attack he was perpetually violent. Then one night, just as the moon rose, he grew quiet, and kept murmuring to himself: "Now I can wait; now I can wait." The attendant came to tell me, so I ran down at once to have a look at him. He was still in the strait-waistcoat and in the padded room, but the suffused look had gone from his face, and his eyes had something of their old pleading—I might almost say, "cringing"—softness. I was satisfied with his present condition, and directed him to be relieved.

That's... I didn't really put it together last year, too caught up in the actual dates we're given, but. That's horrifying.

I love the delivery of Renfield's "now I can wait." But something about the amount of time it took makes it so creepy and so sad. He's been raging and fighting for a week, and it's only now when he can finally calm himself enough to go back to his more strategically placating approach towards his captors. (And it seems the moon has prompted this change within him... more thoughts on that later.) Indeed, only when he does so does he regain any semblance of his former freedom.

"They think I could hurt you! Fancy me hurting you! The fools!" It was soothing, somehow, to the feelings to find myself dissociated even in the mind of this poor madman from the others; but all the same I do not follow his thought. Am I to take it that I have anything in common with him, so that we are, as it were, to stand together; or has he to gain from me some good so stupendous that my well-being is needful to him? I must find out later on. To-night he will not speak.

I think this passage proves how Seward's view of Renfield is very tied to his own personal feelings, and is thus anything but professional and objective. In the past, he's been overly indulgent of Renfield when he wants to discover a new madness that he can put his name to, and has even been tempted to go further; in his previous entry he felt hurt by Renfield ignoring him and then escaping, and lashed out with dismissive assumptions of delusions he must be having, and locked him up/restrained him. Apparently, kept him restrained until he resumed his former more placating behavior. Seward is fascinated by Renfield partially out of ambition, and partially out of this idea that they have some kind of bond or he has some unique understanding of Renfield.

And yet that idea upsets him too. He knows that he himself is abnormal in some way, perhaps is very conscious of or worried about this fact, and kind of scoffs at/dismisses the idea that Renfield might view him as someone who is on the same 'side' or understands his perspective. It sort of feels like Seward wants Renfield to be open with him and confide in him but only in a respectful way that acknowledges him as mentally/status-wise superior. If Renfield treats him as equal to the attendants, that is failing to acknowledge his superior status and intellect and training. If Renfield treats him as an ally opposed to the attendants, then that implies the two of them are of equal status and that Seward's being viewed as mentally on a level (and thus mad at least to an extent) rather than superior. Even as it partially soothes his hurt feelings the idea kind of upsets him, and he kind of scoffs at it.

The last possibility he brings up is that Renfield is using him. But Seward tests that right away and it doesn't seem to go anywhere yet: the cats that previously were Renfield's greatest desire today do not interest him in the least. I keep feeling like there's a weird balance of Seward being very willing to see Renfield as very calculative and secretly harboring murderous plans, but at the same time not having much ability to recognize when he himself is being manipulated by Renfield. Like this pleading/cringing behavior. On the one hand he has definitely noticed it is a deliberate action in the past, but at the same time he seems to consider it an indication that Renfield can be 'managed' again and set loose from his padded cell/restraints. (Not that I think releasing him is a bad idea, but it is an interesting disconnect from how Seward has kind of looked at it in the past, I guess?) Seward often notices when Renfield is trying to get something from him but doesn't necessarily refuse it, or still lets his own emotions/ambitions influence his response. I feel like it comes down to a lot of ableism in his faith that he is smarter/more able to see through and manage Renfield, and thus can afford to sometimes indulge Renfield's efforts to use him. Meanwhile I feel like Renfield has deliberately played into that at least sometimes in order to get his own way, and Seward doesn't recognize how clever he actually is.

Happy thought! We shall to-night play sane wits against mad ones. He escaped before without our help; to-night he shall escape with it. We shall give him a chance, and have the men ready to follow in case they are required….

I love the way he pauses and then says "happy thought!" He truly is just having a sudden idea, and his curiosity is overwhelming his ethics/common sense here. Honestly, in this entry? It reminds me a lot of Dracula once again. I can easily see Dracula thinking this to himself with a few minor changes.

Perhaps on May 15th, before reminding/taunting Jonathan never to sleep outside his own rooms. Or even better, on June 29th when Jonathan asks to leave right then and he gets his wolf idea:

Happy thought! I shall to-night play predator nerves against prey ones. He tried to escape before without my help; to-night he shall have the chance to escape with it. I shall show him the door, and have the wolves ready outside in case they are required….

...look, I'm just saying, Seward is super creepy this entry.

[matttgirlies]

Matt & Me Final🎀

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

a story heavily based on Priscilla Presley’s Book “Elvis & Me” based in the 1950’s - 1970’s.

fem! reader x singer! matt

disclaimer!! - in no way am i saying matt would ever support or do these kind of things, for the sake of the book certain unethical things do happen at times.

warnings - get some tissues..

y/nn = your nickname for any confusion🩷

Chapter 24

In time, it became evident that he was letting his health go. His behavior at times was deliberately self-destructive. On a few occasions he’d say, “I’ll never make it much beyond forty.” We’ve all made such statements, but with Matt the thought was deep-seated and chronic. Mary Lou had died at forty-two and, like Mary Lou, he wanted to go before his father, sensing that he himself couldn��t bear another loss.

From time to time, I’d hear that he had checked into the hospital. Concerned, I’d call, asking, “Are you all right?”

“Sure,” he’d say, laughing a little to show me it was all a big joke. “I just need a little rest, Sattnin.” Then I realized he’d gone to the hospital for the same reason he had during his Army days. It was his way of taking a little rest; he needed to get out of Graceland and away from all the pressures.

By 1976 everyone was becoming alarmed over his mental state as well as his physical appearance. His face was bloated, his body unnaturally heavy. The more people tried to talk to him about this, the more insistent he became that everything was all right.

The Colonel was even concerned about Matt’s actions while onstage. Matt started forgetting lyrics and resorting to sheet music. He was acting erratic by ignoring the audience and playing to the band. A few shows were canceled and no one could predict whether or not he’d appear onstage.

In the absence of any significant professional challenge, Matt created his own real-life dramas. His fascination with guns was now an obsession. He became paranoid over death threats, and from his association with the Boston local police, he had access to lists of local drug pushers. He felt he personally should get them off the streets. Phoning me late one evening, he said, “y/nn, you have anyone you want taken care of? Strictly top secret.”

The style, grace, and pride that for the past eight years had been the hallmark of a Sturniolo live performance now bordered on self-parody. Frustrated with the lack of challenge of each passing show, Matt resorted to sheer flamboyance, symbolized by his costumes, each more elaborate than the one before, loaded with an overabundance of fake stones, studs, and fringes. There were voluminous capes and cumbersome belts to match. He was performing in garb that added thirty-five pounds to his weight. It was as if he were determined to upstage himself instead of relying on his raw talent.

There were times in his final year that he would be criticized on how he related to his audience. Some people observed that he joked around with his band too much and left his songs unfinished. Once Matt even complained from the stage about “bad management” at the hotel, citing a certain employee at the Hilton who was being fired. The following day Colonel William asked Matt to stick to his own business—entertaining—and let the hotel handle its help. James tended to take Matt’s side on this as on every issue, but the Colonel had a right to be concerned.

One of the guys actually told Matt he was beginning to look more like a Liberace act in the hope that Matt would take the hint and come to his senses and rely on just his talent. But from the beginning Matt had insisted: “I just want to read positive reviews. I don’t want to hear any negativity.” As a teenager he’d been shielded by Mary Lou from criticism. When she’d filled her albums and scrapbooks, she’d used only the favorable clippings. If he hadn’t been so sheltered, he might have had a better perspective on his career. At least he’d have been aware of what was being written about him and possibly used some of the comments constructively.

No matter what he did, his fans still cheered him on. They were faithful to him through good performances and bad, and eventually their love was the only real gratification he received. They endorsed everything he did. Maybe as long as he was getting their cheers, he thought he was doing fine. But in fact Colonel William was right when he told Matt that he’d better get himself straightened out or his whole career would go down the drain.

His personal life was not helping the situation. He was seeing Ginger Alden, who was twenty years his junior, and the difference in their ages was becoming more and more of a problem. He’d say, “I’m tired of raising kids. I don’t have the patience to go through it all over again.” There were conflicts—many. Ginger did not like touring, one-night stands. She was close to her family and didn’t want to leave them. Matt tried bringing half her family with them, but that only created other problems. “She spends more time with her sister and mother than she does with me,” he complained.

In discussing his dilemma, I asked, “Do you think you can really live with just one woman?”

“Yes,” he answered. “Now more than ever. I know I’ve done some stupid things, but the stupidest was not realizing what I had until I lost it. I want my family back.”

I wondered if there was some way we could make it work. “Maybe it was just too early in life for us, Sattnin,” I said. “Maybe one day there will be a time for us.”

“Yeah,” Matt laughed. “When I’m seventy and you’re sixty. We’ll both be so old we’ll look really silly, racing around in golf carts.”

In April 1977 Matt fell ill and had to cancel his tour and return home to Graceland. Charlotte and I were there visiting Dodger. He called me up to his room. He did not look himself; his face and body were bloated. He was wearing pajamas, which he seemed to prefer these days when at home. He held Cheiro’s Book of Numbers and told me there was something he wanted me to read. His curiosity for answers had not abated. He was still searching for his purpose in life, still feeling he had not found his calling. If he had found a cause to espouse, whether a drugless society or world peace, he would have had the role he sought in life. His generosity was evidence of this part of his nature—his legendary penchant for giving, even to the countless people he didn’t know.

But he never found a crusade to pull him out of his cloistered world, a discipline strong enough to counter his escape into drugs. That night he read to me, searching for answers, just as he had done the year before and the year before that and the years before that.

It was August 16, 1977, overcast and dreary, not a typical Southern California day. When I walked outside, there was a stillness, an unnatural calm in the air that I have not experienced since. I almost went back into the house, unable to shake my uneasiness. I had a meeting that morning and by noon I was racing to meet my sister Michelle. On my way into Hollywood I noticed the atmosphere had not changed. It still seemed unusually silent and depressing and it had begun to drizzle. As I drove down Melrose Avenue, I saw Michelle standing on the corner, a look of concern on her face. “y/nn, I just got a call from Dad,” she said as I pulled up. “Nate’s been trying to reach you. It’s something about Matt in the hospital.” Nate Doe was Matt’s road manager and right-hand man. I froze. If he was trying to reach me, something must be terribly wrong. I told Michelle to take her car and quickly follow me home. the hospital all year; there were times when he wasn’t even sick that he’d check in for a rest, to get away from pressures, or just out of boredom. It had never been anything too serious.

I thought about our daughter, Charlotte, who was visiting Matt at Graceland and was supposed to come home that very day. Oh God, I prayed. Please let everything be all right. Don’t let anything happen, please, dear God.

I ran every red light and nearly hit a dozen cars. At last, I reached home, and as I swerved down the driveway, I could hear the phone ringing from inside the house. Please don’t hang up, I prayed, jumping out of the car and running toward the door. “I’m coming,” I yelled. I tried to get my key in the lock, but my hand wouldn’t stop shaking. Finally I got into the house, grabbed the receiver, and yelled, “Hello, hello?”

All I could hear was the hum of a longdistance line, then a stricken, faint voice, “y/nn. It’s Nate.”

“What’s happened, Nate?”

“It’s Matt.”

“Oh, my God. Don’t tell me.”

“y/nn, he’s dead.”

“Nate, don’t tell me that. Please!”

“We’ve lost him.”

“No. NO!” I begged him to take back his words. Instead, he was silent. “We’ve lost him—” His voice broke and we both began to cry. “Nate, where’s Charlotte?” I asked.

“She’s okay. She’s with Grandma.”

“Thank God. Nate, send a plane for me, please. And hurry. I want to come home.”

As I hung up, Michelle and Mother, who had just arrived, embraced me and we cried in each other’s arms. Within minutes the phone rang again. For a moment I hoped for a miracle; they were calling me back to tell me that Matt was still alive, that it was all right, that it had all been a bad dream.

But there were no miracles. “Mommy, Mommy,” Charlotte was saying. “Something’s happened to Daddy.” “I know, Baby,” I whispered. “I’ll be there soon. I’m waiting for the plane now.”

“Everybody’s crying, Mommy.”

I felt helpless. What could I say to her? I couldn’t even find words to comfort myself. I feared what she would be hearing. She didn’t yet know that he had died. All I kept saying over and over was, “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Try to stay in Grandma’s room, away from everyone.” In the background I could hear a grief-stricken James moaning in agony. “My son’s gone. Dear God, I’ve lost my son.”

Fortunately a child’s innocence provides its own protection. Death was not yet a reality to her. She said she’d go out and play with Laura, her friend.

I hung up and walked around in a daze, still numb with shock. The news hit the media instantly. My phones did not stop ringing, with friends trying to cope with the shock, members of the family grasping for explanations, and the press demanding statements. I locked myself in the bedroom and left instructions that I would not speak to anyone, that I wanted to be alone. In fact, I wanted to die. Love is very deceiving. Though we were divorced, Matt was still an essential part of my life. Over the last years we’d become good friends, admitting the mistakes we’d made in the past and just beginning to laugh at our shortcomings. I could not face the reality that I would never see him alive again. He had always been there for me. I depended on him, just as he depended on me. We had a bond: We’d become closer and had more understanding and patience for each other than in our married life. We had even talked of one day  . . . And now he was gone. I remembered our last phone conversation, just a few days before. His mood had been good as he talked about the twelve-day tour he was about to begin. He even laughed when he told me that, as usual, the Colonel had papered the first city they were scheduled to hit with his posters and that his records were being played constantly in advance of his arrival.

“Good old Colonel,” Matt had said. “We’ve come a long way. He’s still puttin’ out that same old stuff. It’s a wonder people are still buying it.”

I loved hearing Matt laugh, something he had been doing less and less. Just days before that last call, I’d heard that his spirits were down and he was contemplating breaking up with Ginger Alden, his girlfriend. I knew him well enough to realize that this was not an easy move for him to make. If only I’d known that would be the last time I’d talk to him, I’d have said so much more: things I wanted to say and never had, things I’d held inside me for so many years because the timing was always wrong.

He had been a part of my life for eighteen years. When we met, I had just turned fourteen. The first six months I spent with him were filled with tenderness and affection. Blinded by love, I saw none of his faults or weaknesses. He was to become the passion of my life.

He taught me everything: how to dress, how to walk, how to apply makeup and wear my hair, how to behave, how to return love his way. Over the years he became my father, husband, and very nearly God. Now he was gone and I felt more alone and afraid than ever in my life.

The hours went by slowly before Matt’s private plane, the Charlotte Grace, arrived. Behind closed doors I sat and waited, remembering our life together—the joy, the pain, the sadness, and the triumphs—from the very first time I heard his name.

We boarded the Charlotte Grace around nine o’clock that evening, just my parents, Michelle, Jerry Schilling, Amber Doe, and a few close friends. At first, I just sat alone, in despair. Then I went to the back of the plane, to Matt’s bedroom. I lay there, unable to believe that Matt was really dead.

I remembered the jokes Matt used to make about dying. He’d say, “It’d really take something for me to leave this earth.” Yet he wore a chain around his neck that had both a cross and a Star of David on it. He would joke about it, saying he wanted to be covered in all areas, just in case.

He’d had a fear of flying, but he never showed it. Matt never showed any of his fears. He felt he had a responsibility to make everyone else feel secure. So he gave the impression he was self-assured, because he didn’t want to let any of us down.

I thought of a time when we were on a flight home from Los Angeles. There was a lot of turbulence, and the plane was shaking badly. Everyone on board was frightened. Everyone but Matt. When I looked at him, he was smiling, and then he took my hand.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “We’re gonna make it.” Suddenly, I felt safe. There was a certainty about Matt. If he said it was going to be, then it was going to be that way.

The trip seemed endless. By the time we reached Boston, I was numb. We were ushered into a waiting limousine, to avoid the crush of photographers. Then we sped off to Graceland, where we were met by frantic, disbelieving faces: relatives and close friends, the maids—the same people who had been around us for so many years. I had spent most of my life with these people and seeing them now was devastating.

Most of Matt’s close family—James, Grandma, her daughters, Delta and Nash, and others—congregated in Grandma’s room, while his friends, and the guys who worked for him, were mostly gathered in the den. Everyone else seemed to just be walking in and out of the rooms, silent and solemn, glancing around in disbelief.

Charlotte was outside on the lawn, with a friend, riding around on the golf cart that her father had given her. At first I was amazed that she was able to play at a time like this, but when I talked to her, I realized that the full impact of what happened hadn’t hit her yet. She’d seen the paramedics rushing Matt away, and he was still at the hospital when I’d arrived, so Charlotte was confused.

“Is it true?” she asked. “Is my daddy really gone?”

Again, I was really at a loss for words. She was our child. It was difficult enough for me to believe and confront Matt’s death myself. I just didn’t know how to tell her that she would never see her daddy again.

I nodded, then took her into my arms. We hugged and then she ran out and started riding around in her golf cart again. But now I was glad she could play. I knew it was her way of avoiding reality.

The night seemed endless. Several of us sat around the dining room table talking, and it was then that I learned the circumstances of Matt’s death. I was told that Matt had played racquetball with his cousin, Billy Smith, until four o’clock that morning, while Billy’s wife, Jo, and Matt’s girlfriend, Ginger, watched them. Then they all presumably retired for the night. But as Ginger slept, Matt stayed up to read. He called down to his Aunt Delta for some ice water and said he was having a hard time sleeping.

Matt was still reading when Ginger woke up at nine o’clock that morning, and then she went back to sleep until about 1 p.m. When she awoke, Matt was not in bed. She found him lying face down on his bathroom floor.

Ginger called downstairs, and Al Strada and Nate Doe came running up. After calling the paramedics, Nate gave Matt CPR until they arrived. As the paramedics were leaving to rush Matt to the hospital, his personal physician, “Dr. Joe,” arrived and rode in the ambulance, working on Matt all the way to Baptist Memorial. There the staff tried for another half an hour to revive Matt, but it was all futile. He was pronounced dead on arrival of heart failure. James then requested an autopsy. The body was taken to the Boston Funeral Home to be prepared for viewing in Graceland the following day.

As I sat listening to the events leading up to Matt’s last hours, I became more and more disturbed. There were so many questions. Matt was seldom left alone for any length of time.

Suddenly I knew I had to be alone. I went upstairs to Matt’s private suite, where we had spent so much of our life together. The rooms were more orderly than I’d expected. Many of his personal belongings were gone; his nightstand was bare of books.

I went into his dressing room and it was as if I could sense his living presence—his own unique scent filled the room. It was an eerie sensation.

From the dining room window I could see thousands of people out on Matt Sturniolo Boulevard waiting for the hearse that would bring his body back to Graceland. His music filled the air as radio stations throughout the nation paid tribute to the King.

Soon the casket was placed in the entrance hall and opened for viewing. I sat in Grandma’s room most of that afternoon as thousands of mourners from all over the world passed by, paying their last respects. Many wept; some men and women even fainted. Others lingered at the casket, refusing to believe it was him. He was truly loved, admired, and respected.

I waited for the right moment for Lisa and me to say goodbye. It was late that evening, and Matt had already been moved to the living room where the funeral was to be held. It was quiet; everyone had left. Together we stood over him, emotional. “You look so peaceful, Sattnin, so rested. I know you’ll find happiness and all the answers there.” Then I joked, “Just don’t cause any trouble at the Pearly Gates.” Charlotte took my hand and we placed a sterling silver bracelet depicting a mother and child’s clasped hands on his right wrist. “We’ll miss you.” I knew my life would never be the same.

Colonel came to the funeral wearing his usual baseball hat, shirt, and slacks. He disguised his emotions as best he could. Matt had been like his own son. From the old school, the Colonel was considered a coldhearted businessman, but in truth he had stayed faithful and loyal to Matt, even when his career began to slip. This day he asked James to sign a contract extending his position as Matt’s manager. He was already planning ways to keep Matt’s name before the public. He acted quickly, fearful that with Matt gone, James would be too distraught to handle correctly the many proposals and propositions that would be in the offing. James signed.

At the service, Charlotte and I sat with James and his new fiancée, Sandy Miller, Dodger, Delta, Patsy, my parents, Michelle, and the rest of the family. George Hamilton was there. Julia Ernst attended with her husband, Roger Smith. Julia expressed her sympathy so sincerely I felt a genuine bond with her.

J.D. and the Stamps Quartet sang Matt’s favorite gospel songs. James had chosen the preacher, a man who hardly knew Matt and spoke mostly of his generosity. Matt would probably have laughed and told his dad, “Couldn’t you have got a comedian or something?” Matt would not have wanted us to grieve.

After the service we drove to the cemetery, Charlotte and I riding with James and Sandy. It was three miles away and for the whole three miles both sides of the street were lined with mourners, and at the cemetery there were thousands more. The pallbearers—Jerry Schilling, Nate Doe, George Klein, Steven Wright, Billy Smith, Charlie Hodge, Dr. Joe, and Gene Smith—carried the casket to the marble mausoleum where Matt was finally laid to rest. There we held a short ceremony and, one by one, walked to the coffin, kissed or touched it, and spoke a few words of farewell. Shortly after, for security reasons, he was moved to Graceland in the meditation garden, his final resting place.

Before Charlotte and I returned to L.A., James called me to his office. He was overwhelmed with grief. Did I know anything that would help him to understand why his son had died? He never fully accepted it, and I believed his pain led to his own death, just as Grandma later never recovered from James’s death.

When Charlotte and I returned home I was torn, trying to decide what was best for her. Many conflicting stories were coming out in the national publications and I knew these could have a lasting negative effect on her memory of her father. I decided to send her to summer camp. There she could be protected from radio, TV, and newspapers and could be with her many friends, including Debbie and Cindy, Nate and Amber’s children.

By the time she returned, I’d already made plans with Michelle for a long trip to Europe. Anything to get away from the constant reminders that filled the media.

Matt’s death made me much more aware of my own mortality and that of the people I loved. I realized I’d better start sharing a lot more with the people that I cared about, and every moment that I had with my child or my parents became more precious.

I learned from Matt, often—sadly—from his mistakes. I learned that having too many people around can sap your energies. I learned the price of trying to make everyone happy. Matt would bestow gifts on some, making others jealous, often creating rivalries and anxieties within the group. I learned to confront people, and to face issues—two steps Matt had avoided.

I learned to take charge of my life. Matt had been so young when he became a star that he was never able to handle the power and money that accompanied his fame. In many ways, he was a victim, destroyed by the very people who catered to his every want and need. He was a victim, too, of his image. His public wanted him to be perfect while the press mercilessly exaggerated his faults. He never had the chance to be human, to grow up to be a mature adult, to experience the world outside his artificial cocoon.

When Matt Sturniolo died, a little of our own lives was taken from each of us who knew and loved Matt Sturniolo, who shared in his music, his films, who followed his career. His passion was entertaining his friends and fans. His audience was his true love. And the love Matt and I shared was a deep and abiding one.

He was, and remains, the greatest influence in my life.

Excerpt from: "Elvis and Me" by Priscilla Beaulieu Presley. Scribd. This material may be protected by copyright.

a/n - sad endings actually kill me. i cried multiple times. thank you so much for all the love & support on this story i really enjoyed it. let me know what kind of writing you would like to see next🎀

[voidpacifist]

maddie nolen is such a fascinating character to me

okay, before ANY of you get on my ass about all your personal icks and grievances with her, please remember that there's not a SINGLE fully unflawed character in this show. anyone who excludes her from that statement just looks goofy!

but really let's talk about her because it's kind of hard to get a read on her. is she supposed to be a heroine? a villain? an antihero? like we really don't have much of an impression of her other than that she's young, fairly new to the enforcement of piltover, and clearly motivated to do her job both to the fullest and to the approval of her betters. but she isn't necessarily desperate about it.

now, I see a lot of people stating that she's one of those "but YOU'RE one of the good ones" types of people. and this is true! her behavior in zaun also goes to show that she's truly just there to do her job without kicking up a fuss with someone if she doesn't have to. she's not an antagonizer or someone who actively condescends other people — I truly in my heart of hearts believe she wants to do what's right, and while misguided as it is, she believes being an enforcer is the best way to do that. yes, she's got a tarnished, generalized view of zaun. and yes, she still isn't going out of her way to be "bad cop" as a result of her views. both of those can exist at once.

"but liv! that was only one scene! how do you know she's not a total piece of garbage?" I'm so glad you asked, and also, we still have one more act (as of the day I'm blabbing all this) to go.

it's actually her intimate scene with caitlyn at the start of act two that had me intrigued about her. and I know, it's an annoyance that seemingly right after vi and caits unofficial breaking up, maddie swoops right in and is now all lovey dovey with cait (although from a professional perspective, coworker dating is an awful idea, but get it I guess). but it's what she says to cait that gets me:

"you could call it off. withdraw from the underground. reestablish the council. all you have to do is give the order."

and when cait starts to push back about jinx and the risk of violence, maddie even jokingly calls her ambessa. it just further backs my statement about her character. by appealing to caits general dislike of using strong force (and appealing to her strong will), she's actively encouraging her to not be so bendable to her war-hungry mentor.

because yes, ambessa is someone who is not above using violence to achieve what she feels is necessary. and she has actively preyed on caits grief as a way to get her to be sympathetic towards a noxian solution. does that mean she doesn't believe she's also doing the right thing? no! just goes to show that messy character grey area.

"we want more nuanced female characters!" "y'all can't even handle caitlyn kiramman." WORSE! y'all can't handle maddie nolen <3

[nitewrighter]

What I don't get about all the hubbub regarding the Pokemon leaks, is why these people are so upset about it defiling their canon, when all of the stuff that has been revealed is stuff from the cutting room floor? You know, stuff that was not implemented in any game? The stuff they're pitching a fit about is stuff that's explicitly not canon. Typhlosion COULD have fucked, but GameFreak decided they don't, in the end. That should have been the end of he conversation, but it wasn't, unfortunately.

All it's done is show just how many so-called Pokemon fans lack any kind of reading comprehension. Not that it's anything new mind you, but the lack of self-awareness is starting to get well and truly tiresome.

Yeah I'm honestly so over most "bUt tHE cOnCePT ArT!" discourse at this point. I kind of got over it back with all the "Mercy was almost a black man!!!" discourse with Overwatch back in the day. People were so happy to like, immediately get misogynistic as fuck to basically be performative about how much better Mercy would be as a black man, how much better all the Mercy ships would be as M/M, even though, like, we did still have a black male healer with Lúcio, and then we got another black male healer hero with Baptiste, and the "Mercy would be better as a black man!!" crowd paid Baptiste about as much mind as chopped liver. So much of the shock and outrage is so performative like--you're still consuming the media, dude!!

And the same goes for a lot of animated films--like, yeah, the final product of animated films isn't as pretty as the concept art--the point of concept art is piecing together the concept! Of course that's going to go through a meat grinder as animation studios adjust for budget and timeframes and all this other shit!!

I actually wrote about this a little bit when discussing fanfic communities for library school a while back--gimme a sec, let me try and find it in my docs--

Fans write fics influenced, not simply by the text of a media itself, but by cast interviews, concept art, even tweets, videos, or other social media posts by actors, directors, and writers. ... As the internet has made these behind the scenes perspectives widely accessible, the “source material” for fanfic has thus expanded to outside of the canonical text of a media and further into an “auxiliary canon” of its production. ....  The fan fascination with “Behind the scenes” posits a Doylist meta-narrative ripe for speculation. Watching an actor switch between being in character and out of character on a blooper reel or other behind the scenes media lends itself to a certain parasocial intimacy—the viewer has a sense that they are viewing something genuine and organic that represents the “True” person behind the fictional character (McGee, 2005) when in fact that particular clip was far more likely curated out of dozens or hundreds of hours of more tedious takes and bloopers—at the end of the day, they are still viewing  only a fragment of another human in the context of a professional environment. 

...goddamn I had fun writing that paper. But god it was also so influenced by my "Desperately searching for any and all Overwatch lore crumbs" fandom experience.

But like--Yeah, while I'm largely over the frequently performative shock towards stuff that didn't make it to the final product, I do understand production of media as informing fandom experience.

[venusjailer]

Will I ever stop pathologising the AP main characters and creating incredibly detailed backgrounds riddled with childhood trauma? It’s unlikely!

(INSANELY LONG) (LIKE INSANELY) (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED) EXPLANATIONS BELOW

(And If you have hc’s feel free to share!)

Patrick: cmon. The entire plot of AP is literally him just begging to be noticed.

Bro is devoid of attention right until the very last scene (aka the one with his lawyer). Sorry to all the SiGmA mALe AMPS fans but this is not a “sigma 🥶”, this is a man who did not receive a MORSEL of affection during his formative years.

His obsession with ‘fitting in’ (ie being accepted and therefore cared about) through his clothes, his looks, his social circle; his outbursts of intense emotion and inability to regulate them (almost as if he was never taught how to do so); the way he views the women in his life in an almost maternal way (namely Evelyn and Jean) - he just needs a hug!!!

And some intense therapy. And heavy duty psych meds.

Paul: this one is partly canonical, partly not.

The way that his character is almost revered by the other guys at P&P is interesting; he comes over as this über cool, competent, successful finance bro almost to a greater extent than they think they are.

But then he gets drunk with Patrick away from the office and from the constraints of corporate professionalism and becomes this silly goofy little guy.

I don’t necessarily think his work ‘persona’ is an act: I think it’s the parts of himself that he has to accentuate in order to succeed.

Also - I took influence for this from the amazing Paul character studies written by my dear friend @leoblooms on AO3 - please check them out

Luis: this one is pretty self-explanatory.

He’s the only confirmed canonically queer character in AP (although, come on, Patrick’s canon closet is made of glass at this point). And yet - in a way that so many LGBT+ people have suffered with throughout history and sadly even to this day - he can never, ever show it. Being openly gay in his environment would make him a social pariah.

Instead, he has to fit in: he’s marrying a woman, he’s acting like ~one of the guys~, he’s hoping that he can suffocate that part of himself by burying it six feet underground. But as so many of us know all too well: you can’t hide who you are forever. The bathroom scene with Patrick just proves this.

I also wanted to make a note of this because it’s very interesting to me - I read the most AMAZING fic a couple of years ago that was written from Courtney’s perspective, and in it it was mentioned that Luis is Catholic. I’m a Christian as well (from a famously progressive denomination) and although a lot of attitudes are changing within the Catholic Church, particularly right now, the ‘gay = sin’ mentality does prevail for many.

So it makes sense that if Luis was raised Catholic he has been suppressing that part of himself for a very long time. I can see him lying to himself and having girlfriends in high school.

Courtney: my literal baby girl. I’ve written a whole 18k character study on her because I find her so canonically fascinating.

My headcanon is that her father was absent from her life from a young age - but this is rooted in how she actually acts in the source material.

In the boardroom scene, Luis thanks Patrick for “taking care of Courtney last night”. To me, it sounds like he’s taking on a role that’s almost paternal. She is also notably reliant, and almost clingy, on the men in her life: telling Patrick she can’t go out because she’s waiting for Luis to call, and practically begging Patrick to call her after they’ve slept together.

Additionally there’s the whole ‘fucking my best friend’s boyfriend’ thing - I’m getting WAY off topic here but I see so much of her in Cassie from Euphoria. Unless someone is purposefully malicious and nasty, I think there’s always a reason for that kind of thing, even if it is complex and unsavoury.

I hate to use the term “daddy issues” because it absolves absent/abusive fathers of all of their damage and unfairly places the blame on young women, but if I had to describe a reason for why she might act in this way - having seen it first-hand myself from many people - that would be it.

Evelyn: so I did take some influence from Reese Witherspoon’s character in Legally Blonde here - but I think Evelyn is actually one of the smartest characters in AP and so I feel it’s fitting.

She comes over as incredibly ditzy and shallow, but remember we’re seeing and reading all of this from Patrick’s perspective - of course he’s not going to have a high opinion of her, because…it’s Patrick Bateman were talking about here.

In reality, she’s probably one of the most socially clued-in characters. For example: she effortlessly hosts big gatherings with grace and decorum even if the majority of guests are, let’s be honest, fucking insufferable.

She’s also the only character who can actually handle Patrick and meets him on his own level. She absolutely refuses to take any of his bullshit (“what am I supposed to do with that? Floss with it?”).

Her actions and force prove her to be the strong willed and savvy and to me that suggests intellect, as much as it may be hidden - again, due to the environment she exists in.

Bryce: he’s so interesting.

I’ve not written as much about him in my fics as the others, but his actions in the source material suggest that underneath his finance bro Wall Street image, he’s someone who’s very disillusioned, and almost broken.

I really wish the scene of his…episode?…in the club hadn’t been cut from the film. I’d recommend anyone to watch it (and the rest of the deleted scenes because they’re class) if they’ve not seen it already.

There’s also The Informers, the book and film adaptation of another of of Bret Easton Ellis’ works, which features a young Tim Bryce (referred to as Price) and the complex relationship with his father. I’ve not read/watched it in full yet, but whilst they’re on holiday Bryce’s father gets drunk and acts lecherous and gross towards young women on the beach, and Bryce is disgusted by this (perhaps he’s not as much of a raging misogynist as his peers?), and then makes ‘joking’ comments about Bryce being the subject of attraction by other men, to which Bryce walks out on him (perhaps he’s less condemning of homophobia than the others? Or, possibly…maybe he has less than hetero feelings himself? Not to spoil any of Mergerizations but I headcanon him as bisexual tbh).

This behaviour suggests that, at least as a teen, Bryce was very assertive of what was and wasn’t okay and was happy to make these views known.

But due to bullying by his father and, again, the environment that he likely grew up in, he has to suppress this part of himself to be accepted.

WOWWWW that was a whole ass essay. If you’ve read to this part, 1) I’m sorry 2) THANK YOU 3) I love you!!!!

[rms-mathematic]

I know it’s probably not going to happen, but I think it would be kind of an interesting twist if it turns out Lucifer and Vox actually already know each other and get along just fine. They don’t have to be friends, but I like the idea that Lucifer is at least somewhat familiar with the more influential overlords who own territory (Alastor doesn’t, hence why he didn’t recognize him), which includes the Vees, and Vox at the forefront. Vox, for his many flaws, is shown to be very good at putting on an act for the public - it’s reasonable to assume he does the same thing around powerful individuals like Lucifer. They could very well have a decent professional relationship, and I think that would be a fascinating dynamic.

For one, there’s the obvious hilarity that would ensue in the fandom, especially from a shipping perspective. RadioApple and RadioStatic seem to get pitted against each other quite a bit, so AppleTV tends to get treated as more of a crackship than anything, but just imagine if it got some basis in canon? The fandom would actually implode (and it would be incredible to watch).

But even aside from that, it would be such an interesting conflict if Lucifer didn’t want to get involved in the Vox/Alastor drama because he just. genuinely prefers Vox. He has legitimate reasons to dislike Alastor, and Vox is much more personable, in-universe at least. He’s also arguably more useful, politically - we see he’s got a lot of influence over the Pride Ring’s infrastructure (power, internet, surveillance technology) and Lucifer probably has a vested interest in making sure that stays running. He’s partially responsible for keeping an entire district up and running, and depending where his products are manufactured, he’s probably one of the biggest employers in the ring. I think it’s easy to forget that Vox might actually be one of the most influential sinners in existence - for better or for worse, his whole “Trust Us!” routine has paid off well.

Alastor and Vox are clearly going to come into conflict with each other in the next season, and I could see Charlie trying to persuade her father to help Alastor out. Having him refuse, and cite the reason that he’d rather not kill the guy who maintains the power grid in order to help some asshole who’s been nothing but a dick to him, thank you, would be such an interesting plot point. I think it would do Charlie a lot of good - forcing her to make a pragmatic choice she really doesn’t want to instead of helping the person she cares about - and it could help Alastor’s character quite a bit as well, forcing him to actually examine his behavior and how he tends to treat people with more power than him. Throw in that “sad and complicated” relationship and you’ve got a recipe for drama.

Or all three of them could just make out with tongue and that would make me happy-

[piviani]

enha thoughts about bite me and its controversy

( disclaimer: please do remember to take my readings with a grain of salt. i am in no way a professional tarot reader and all of this are alleged and is for entertainment purposes only. )

part two of the reading

what jungwon thinks of its choreo

the hierophant

from what i see i dont think jungwon cares about what choreography bite me has tbh. jungwon is a type of person whos a follower. whatever the authority might say he just follows it (atleast in certain occurrences) as he already see it something that is already set and cannot be changed. this doesn’t automatically apply to other situations though, jungwon has certain beliefs he solely believes too. so! i dont think jungwon cared about it that much and just followed what the company wants regardless.

what jungwon feels about its controversy

the lovers

pulled lovers for jungwon and i can say this is so terrifying yet amazing at the same time actually. i took the card back at first because i felt that it wasn’t quite right and continued to shuffle once again.. however to my suprise i pulled the lovers.. again. so anyways before i actually explain regarding of what jungwon feels about the controversy going on around. im gonna need to ass a little bit of background check, there are 22 major arcanas in a deck, and these two specifically are next to each other. hierophant being the #5 and the lovers being the #6 among the 22 major arcanas, isn’t it fascinating? from what i think it shows how jungwons perspective changed after hearing the controversy in a way, where it transitioned after the controversy. like this is abit funny i actually cackled because i think jungwons loving it now lmfao i dont know? hes enjoying this which i do Not know Why. one thing for sure though i dont think jungwon is focusing too much on the negativity. publicity is still publicity.

what heeseung thinks of its choreo

the magician

heeseung feels their choreography has gone creative! he thinks this will open new doors to enter for him so hes trying not missing any possibilities. he has so much will! im seeing heeseung trusted and put lots of efforts for this choreography.

what heeseung feels about its controversy

five of cups in reverse

kinda sad how situations change after the controversy but this is kind of great as it is in reverse tbh. from what the card shows, its admitting how heeseung used to feel saddened about the situation, but its not all that, it was like the situation only revolved around negativity atleast for heeseung (when in fact it was only through domestically.) but anyways! okay this is 5oCr so heeseung is in the state of where he already moved past it and now feels more light than he ever was. the situation really saddened him but atleast to what i see, it made him feel the state of realization. hes not caring about it as he used to.

what jay thinks of its choreography

king of swords

jay thought that authorities has certain standards that is high and this includes their choreography. ouuu jay felt stern throughout. “mind over matter and the head over the heart.” its implying what or how jay felt. its showing how he took the responsibility.. jay really didn’t know what he felt about it. tbh the cards are not giving me a clear answer. its just showing how jay just prepared and remained compoosed with what’s about to come as he thought about it logically already . (seems like he already saw it coming) self assured he wasn’t really thinking about it in an emotional way. just practiced what dance choreo was shown, sighed, and moved on fr

what jay feels about its controversy

page of pentacles in reverse

oh jay feels like its backing out their bags and their opportunities away. jay feels like this whole situation is so dumb lmao this is so direct i actually believe jay wants everyone to know how he feels about the controversy. it indicates how jay feels this whole thing screams immature and he does not like it. he feels people lacks brains hes starting to lose sight of what other people thinks (omg i would be pissed if i cant have my bag too) he should not lose focus though! as card shown, hes starting to feel overwhelmed by it.

[ part two of the reading. ]

[ reading was done at June 3, 2023. ]

[vermillioncrown]

so, what's up with korvin's parents?

they're just normal people. they just have their circumstances and korvin doesn't want people putting their ignorant opinions on them.

=

but what's really up with korvin's parents? (+ a deeper discussion on my other fics, why the SI MCs are the way they are)

Getting Real™️ warning: reading this might provide context that turns you off my fics.

if you want to keep enjoying light-hearted snark as it is, don't read. if you read this, i request you do not come to me to argue a contrary interpretation of my writing. i know where my brain worms come from, please and thank you.

===

They are stated to be undocumented persons in chapter 1. They intentionally abandoned Korvin in the US. Korvin's reaction is he does not want anyone's judgment on the situation, because chances are it will be 'well-intentioned' but without context, kinda racist and classist, and he's an adult in a kid's body. He gets the kind of pressure that he, as a 'weird kid', as who should be his parents' first-born son to make it in America, would put on his parents. There are no other relatives here to help. They are too poor to be careful parents and do more than financially support their child, just barely. Mental health and superstition are greatly tied in Chinese culture, so he also squicks them with his 'unnaturalness'.

Their choice to leave him in the US is a far-shot hope that while they can't support their kid properly, he'd at least be to stay as a Dreamer and somehow make it.

And how do you begin to explain all that to someone? And better yet, how do you control the gut clenching reaction to someone's judgment of your situation when there was no good choice? What if someone accuses you and your parents of taking advantage of the US legal system, as if you're cockroaches that don't 'deserve' where you are right now?

It's better to never leave an opening for someone to judge. Or if someone has to say something, you just smile and nod, because you usually can't afford to say anything back to them.

I don't make this blatant in the fic because that's 1) insensitive 2) I don't want to deal with people's ACTUAL ignorant opinions 3) it's kinda meta and ingrained for me to be circumspect about this stuff, even if it makes up an essential part of Korvin.

===

It's cosmic comedy, I think, that I'm doing an application that needs me to submit a statement on my academic interests and diversity within my professional career. What is my past experience with that? What is my future intent? How has this impacted my goal to join academia?

I'm almost 30. And growing up somewhere metropolitan, moving all over the country, interacting with people of many walks of life and knowing there are many more I don't interact with...I've been through a roller coaster of perspectives what makes a person distinct. Their distinctness isn't just personality, even if personality isn't so flimsy that a different day will change someone so completely. Yet, we're all shaped by where we come from. Our background, culture, class, sex, environment, etc.

This might be rather obvious, but over the years I've read fic I find that it's a quality and philosophy that doesn't come across often. I'll focus just on SI and OC-insert fics since that's the most relevant. Perhaps it's the type of fics I read, perhaps it's the fandoms, perhaps it's the demographic, perhaps we have too much practice in accepting some Everybody who is Everybody as a baseline regardless of how well that Everyone resonates with us personally.

Of course, not every fic is written for every audience. And different people will always have different perspectives. But I want you to ponder these metrics: I've read fanfic since 2003. Non-stop. I would average 20-50k words a week as a preteen, and ramped up from there. SI and OC make a big portion of what I engage with because I find it a fascinating examination of canon material using an external force, or something like that. They also have the potential to be deeply developed super quickly because we, as amateur authors, really can't help putting a lot of ourselves without filter into our creations. It can lead to polarizing feelings over them because of that.

It's been twenty years, and I can count on one hand the number of SI and OC fics where I legitimately felt that I understood where this character came from and they make sense to me. The rest...some I understood where they came from in the same way I need to empathize with the people around me so that I don't offend them. As a kid and teen, that meant ostracization and bullying. As a professional, it means missing opportunities, also getting bullied, being sabotaged, being used and tossed away. I have to show sympathy, bend my brain to see what makes them 'them' and see how sensible it is for them so that I can survive and thrive.

Some I had to accept that we either lived in vastly different realities in which such a character is sensible, and that's just the world we live in; or they're just bonkers. We move on.

I am compelled to write because I want to explore something that I find has not been explored. If it was already done to my satisfaction? I have literally felt my interest dip like a video game health bar in that situation.

My MCs as SIs cannot be divorced from my background. Ostensibly, that's the square-shaped brain with the math and engineering, the ADHD, and the internal snark. But those traits don't exist in a vacuum. Luckily my interests aligned with my parents' hopes and dreams for me as poor immigrants to the US and I am the first to have an advanced degree since my family has been wiped through the Cultural Revolution; though they were lucky enough to be sponsored by an aunt that married a missionary.

The ADHD was undiagnosed because god forbid I had Problems, "What do you mean Vermillion has problems? She's so bright! She never has to study! She has so much potential!" I have a brother who has problems, and both culturally American and Chinese I have been trained to Not Have Problems because I'm supposed to keep the household together. Plus, we're poor. We can't afford that! We're poor, we have family problems, AND our child has mental issues? They already say enough shit about Chinese people, jeeze.

The internal snark--it does hurt a bit inside whenever I see the reaction to my brand of humor in my fics as if it's meant to be expressed to tell people off, mic drop, actions having no consequences. You know what that is? It's coping. It's also developing the social wherewithal to be circumspect because your livelihood depends on it. And beyond just me, the internal pressure of carrying my family's expectations and wanting to not make their sacrifices in vain--that doubles the risk.

No fucking way do I mouth off without thinking (not since I was actually eight, and learning ever since), and that's why my characters are the way they are. We see a spectrum of them: Zhu Yunxun that needs to put up a front to maintain societal privilege and also is lucky to be born with money and lineage; SI!Taiga with money, physical + mental advantages, gender on his side, and talent; Lan Wenhui born into lineage, physical advantages, privilege, and talent, but still a woman; and now...Korvin Kwan with only the advantage of youth and male privilege. I am a point of departure for each of these and despite whatever gains that have been made with these new lives, I know myself well enough and have been burned before that it's instinctual to not grow into that privilege as if you've always had it.

Zhu Yunxun needs to walk a delicate tightrope of politics and intrigue and is wildly windmilling in the air, even if they're staying on.

SI!Taiga is so baffling to the Clown Gang because he doesn't act like a typical cocksure talented sports boy.

Lan Wenhui...she has her convolutions to be revealed.

Korvin is perpetually at the end of his fucking rope (like, what's Bat-WIng-Guy gonna do? Kill him for swearing? It'd at least cut out the middlemen for child trafficking), and just managed to trust Dick and Babs. Now that he has some sort of solid ground beneath him, that's where we get the chapter 4 code switching and masking.

Actions, and speaking is an action, have consequences and my SIs are me. They live with that philosophy.

We see ten million and one characters that like to loudly and boldly declare themselves, with the implication that they truly believe everything they say matters and will make a difference. They will be heard!

There's no catharsis for those who need to keep it in, where catharsis isn't actually worth it.

You might think: well, that's just on you. You choose to internalize this, you choose to make your family your pressure, you choose to not speak up--

And then I would point out, again, that culture and background makes people. Being diaspora, it influences what I find socially important. And it's even more important because I grew up poor. There's a realm of difference between the professional and well-off Chinese diaspora vs the ones that had to cram in the slums of Chinatown. My family was luckily not at the tail end, but we were nothing like the well-off (I'm lucky that we've essentially achieved the vaunted American Dream, now). To us growing up like that, family was your support network. Regardless of how shitty they are, what they do, the cost of cutting them out was rarely worth it.

And now that I've gone into my professional life--I'm lucky enough that I've either made others think they can't talk shit to my face, or my poker face was strong enough to survive the utter bullshit I've heard told to me like it was the weather. I thank them for their time, and I do what I need to do to navigate the situation. Usually, I don't have the power to do much but survive, so I did. And now, I've reached a point where 1) times are changing 2) I'm niche and competent enough that people are too busy listening to what I have to say than condescend me 3) I can shut them down if they do 4) the field I'm working in values circumspection as a whole.

===

Anyways, this is probably a big bubble burst for my fics. I know a lot of people enjoy them for the funnies, but the funnies come from somewhere. I think I build compelling characters and interpersonal relationships because I work to ground them in reality and what I know and have learned through my own experiences and needing to empathize with others.

My writing is my catharsis. Every time I'm able to resonate with someone out there, I'm happy if someone completely different from me can understand, and I'm even happier if I make another person like me feel seen.

Anyways, that's my kinda intense and sad TED talk, I need to go back to writing my application statement.

[commsroom]

Hello !! Do you have thoughts on Rhea :]

yes, i do!! with the caveat that we have such limited information on lovelace's crew, what we do have is almost entirely filtered through her perspective, and we kinda... know rhea the least. as much as i find eris a fascinating character too, i wish we'd heard more of rhea.

which is kind of the first thing: rhea is the only AI character in wolf 359 who doesn't have a voice. (we don't hear hyperion's voice, which is supposedly not integrated yet, but he's not even really treated like a character in the scene he's in. and that's a whole other thing.) for hera in particular, she feels a physical disconnect from the others, but the fact that wolf 359 is audio only makes her an equal presence from the perspective of the audience. (which carries over to the live show, where the other characters may not be able to see her, but the audience can, etc.) rhea's situation is kind of the opposite, where her words can be seen by the others, but the audience can only hear or infer her words via what the others read out loud or respond to.

rhea clearly cares about her fellow crewmates, and seems to get along with lambert in particular. lovelace's log: "and communications officer lambert is... communications officer lambert. so an enormous stick in the mud. [...] i heard that, rhea. you are expressly forbidden from telling him i said that." - a sentiment it's easy to imagine early minkowski expressing about eiffel and hera, for the opposite reason. in a more direct parallel, rhea reassures lambert that he "does a great job"; in bach to the future, hera tells eiffel he's "actually very good at his job." the difference in context highlights their priorities; eiffel and hera are having a heart to heart about worthiness, while rhea really is talking about lambert's job - work is important to him, and most people around him don't respect or appreciate his work. what we can infer about rhea is that she's... well, the kind of person who would be lambert's friend. straightforward, rule-following, and professional.

(even something like "see, rhea? i told you someone read [my reports to command]" indicates that they talk to each other a fair amount, but also serves as a mirror to eiffel's belief no one listens to his logs.)

maybe the most interesting thing to me about rhea is her defense of eris: "it's just the way they programmed her, back off." ... again, the complete opposite of how hera might respond. eiffel tries to "defend" her in a similar way in ep 7 - "you can't really hold that against her; it's just her programming" - and she finds it incredibly insulting. with all of that taken together, with how lovelace, lambert, and rhea are in many ways intentional opposites to minkowski, eiffel, and hera, it really makes me wonder how rhea identifies or perceives herself.

i think hera is functionally human, both in her singular, consistent image of herself, and in her role in the narrative. eris appears human to lovelace, but is clear that it's how she sees "a version of herself." whether that refers to that iteration of eris having multiple versions of herself, or if it refers to all of the iterations of her who exist: either way it's a reflection of the way eris exists, and her acceptance of that. by extension, the fact that we don't encounter rhea in any way other than beeping sounds and implied words on station monitors... kind of says something narratively, i think. going back to her lack of voice, even that level of distance and abstraction takes her further away from 'human' perceptions by the audience, while she's obviously still a full person with her own priorities, perspectives, and opinions. i think it's very interesting to consider she might prefer her state of (lack of physical) existence in a way hera clearly does not.

[artist-issues]

(I may have accidentally clicked the Unfollow button instead of the Ask button, my bad!! 😅 Still following ya!)

I'm here to deliver you a fun question amidst a world full of negativity, and that is;

If you ever had the opportunity to create your own story/animated film, what would you want it to be about? Who would be the characters and how would you want to write their stories? Would you bring in subtle tenets of your faith, or go all-out Lewis/Tolkien and dive into analogy/Christian values? Fantasy or Sci-fi? Romcom or thriller? Adventure or something cosy and intimate? Any worldbuilding?

Basically, if you could write your dream stories, what would they be about?

Sorry if you've got a similar question before, but I am really curious. Your posts talking about storytelling and faith always fascinate me, and I'd love to know how someone with such a love for Christ and stories would go about creating their own stories 💙

This is a wonderful question! I can't tell you how wonderful. Thank you! I'm so glad you follow me still!

I guess I'd always lean more toward allegory, and fantasy. I don't know how to make a story that isn't saying something very intentionally about God and people and their relationship to God.

It's funny, my taste in stories is more intimate. My favorite Disney movie is Lilo & Stitch, for example. But I have a hard time boiling it down when I make my own stories, because I like to trace every character's motivations back to their source--and when I do that, I wind up world building without meaning to, for way longer than I planned!

I make my stories based off of the Invisible Ink model by Brian McDonald, with a few tweaks to the outline so that it makes sense to me specifically.

So I always start with a thesis statement, the Point of the Story, the lesson I'm hoping it teaches. Then I break it down by listing "characters that need to learn it" and "characters that believe the opposite of it" and "characters that know it already." And then how they all interact, and where they'll be by the end of the story. Fun stuff like setting and fictional history and characterizations come while I'm filling all of that in, kind of naturally, which I wish I was better at giving in to.

Anyway! On to the fun part of your question;

I keep my stories really private because I have learned that if I "tell" the story, even just in a summary or a tumblr post or a text to a friend, I lose a lot of inspiration and a lot of...mental freedom to finish the story itself. It's like once I say it out loud, that version of the story is final in my subconscious, and I have less motivation to tweak it.

So I don't tell people about my ideas. Not unless we're officially or professionally collaborating.

But this question is so GOOD and I so APPRECIATE IT, that I'm going to get over that and tell you about one, for example, that I started doing but probably won't get to make.

I call it "Come When You're Called" and it's a story about a sheep farm, from the perspective of the farm animals (but specifically the dogs.) The style is like if all of Ruyard Kipling's Serious Animals With Their Own Noble Cultures met Albert Payson Terhune's How Animals Thrive Serving Their Owners met Disney's Fun Anthropomorphic Animals.

The main character is a border collie named Sky Blue (she's liver-colored with blue eyes) who is learning the lifestyle of a good dog on her master's farm. She's very energetic. Thats the one word you could use to describe her. She never stops trying to play or have fun. She's proud of being the fastest dog on the property; the older border collie she's learning from, Sharps, isn't even as fast as she is. He's teaching her how to recognize the Master's commands and obey them immediately.

Sharps is excellent at what he does, but he's super irritable because all he cares about is the work. If he had a character arc, it would be to find his identity in how much his Master loves him instead of how well he can do his job. When he first meets Sky, he doesn't like her because there's a subtle fear that he's getting too old to do the work himself. He's very strict.

There's another older dog on the property. His name is Lockjaw but everybody calls him LJ, and he's the opposite of Sharps. He's even older, wiser, and downright jolly. He used to be the guard dog for the whole huge property, but he's been raising a young German Shepherd named Buckwild to take it over. Buckwild and LJ have southern accents and Buck is a very smart, good dog...as long as someone tells him what to do, and exactly how to do it: his default state is laziness. He becomes Sky's love interest.

Anyway, the music would be very highlands-folksy—think The Oh Hellos. Each animal species on the farm has its own "culture," but they all function like a kingdom serving their king, the human Master. When you're living by that code of obeying and fulfilling your purpose, the animals generally call it "Coming When You're Called." But if you are disobedient, lazy, or out for yourself, stealing food or killing the Master's chickens or whatever, you're twisted and looked at with scorn and apprehension by the good animals.

It would be super episodic. 🤷‍♀️ There's villain characters, like a pack of wolves that like to try picking off the sheep every once in a while. Theres also a tomcat who does not Come When He's Called, but just sort of does whatever he wants around the farm and causes mischief. Theres a tiny black kitten who Sky teaches what she's learning, about how to Come When You're Called, who wants to grow up and chase the lazy tomcat off and take his place. Stuff like that.

I have other ideas. One, in particular, I've mentioned before, got me involved with the studio I'm currently working in. It's an allegory to do with a siren, vampire, and werewolf in the early 2000s. But I'll keep that one to myself 🫢 for now! The story the studio and I are making right now is sci-fi fantasy adventure, about a family that needs to figure out their relationship to each other and the world they're finding themselves rulers of...but that's all I'll say about that until it's out there for people to watch!

Really I like creating all of it. I've got a sci-fi idea, three fantasy ones, and then an ongoing batch of monster stories, too! I guess I always tend to create as if my audience is...in that 12-20 range? But really, like Disney, I'd like it if my stuff could be enjoyable for all ages. We'll see! I think! I hope!

Thank you for this question!

[castlebyersafterdark]

re your tags. look I can see how it could be sad if we look at it that way buuuut let’s think for a minute. noah has known finn forever and pretty sure he’s always had a crush, it’s been obvious to me since s2 imo but I don’t think he would like act up like this way if he still had a hopeless, could never be reciprocated crush, seeing as how he’s older now, knows how to hide it appropriately after years, and also wouldn’t want to make things weird seeing as how they are doing an onscreen romance at the same time ya know? I feel like he would be able to keep his composure and professionalism for the sake of Finn’s comfort at least if not himself lmao buuuuut if there is something going on there beyond just friendship? then yea shit is gonna leak out a little bit because he’s excited and can’t help himself. like imagine having a crush on someone for years as a kid and then it (maybe) finally happening?!? yea you’re gonna be a bit down bad. that’s my thought process lol

I am delulu and free but with a side of still being logical hahahahha

Compiling several of these here!!! The wildly different reactions to fan-acount-gate hahaha.

It's honestly one of the more interesting little sleuthing things I've seen so far - it's just so. Odd. But endearing? Whether he's in a relationship with the man or not, it's so in the realm of having feelings for the guy, and this is a neutral read as someone who has fun with the concept of these two together but does try to look at it from an outside perspective with passive enjoyment as my interaction with FN. (Primarily because I don't like admitting to being wrong? Perhaps. The Byler confidence is strong and there's so much evidence to back that up as a story-telling narrative. A celebrity relationship? Tabloid gossip via fan blogs. So much room for error. And I don't like to lose hahahaha) I CAN ADMIT IT.

Intrigued and hopeful but free, that's me! Because it's such a Noah move? His hyper-online engagement with his own fandom. Not like most celebrities. Endlessly endearing. Following fan accounts is so random. It feels like he was covering for following the Finn ones with the others. I get being on tiktok and having edits from the show you are in pushed to you (I don't really know how it works, maybe he sought them out in the past, maybe it was happenstance on the feed or a friend sent it and he was amused). But pointedly following a FW fan account and then looking at the stories??? Boy....

Because Finn is the guy he literally sees all the time at work and also clearly hangs out with. In reality. In person. In his real life. And then he goes online and is looking at content like that? Wild. It could be pining, it could be all in his feels if it's real and they're apart, it could just be a cheeky little thing like hell yeah, that's my man and none of you even know. FASCINATED.

Hey, maybe Finn is chilling in the bed next to him and Noah is showing him the edits kind of teasing him about them and then hmmmm. Fanfic territory. Moving on...

[kaija-rayne-author]

Some thinkee thoughts about 'the scene' and Solas's Romance. Spoilers for DAI Dragon Age Inquisition.

Okay, so, I've finished the base game part of the Solavellan playthrough. I've read a fair bit of responses to it all by now. But there're a few things I haven't yet seen. It's possible I just haven't discovered them, but I found some very salient character/story things in Solas that I want to share.

Please no spoilers on Trespasser or the books. I haven't gotten to them yet. My Inquisitor is non-binary like me, but because of how I RP her, I still use she/her or they/them pronouns for them.

For context, my real life job is an editor, and I'm a multiply published author.

The Solavellan Romance is an absolutely stunning example of a star-crossed lovers relationship. It's incredibly obvious they love one another, but due to Solas's plans and beliefs, they can't be together.

In the line 'in another world' you can sense his longing to set down his burden and just love her.

I can clearly see that it's this world, and this enby he's falling more and more in love with. But she will disappear when he works his plan. He's already in too deep. He just doesn't understand that yet.

That is the chef's kiss of star-crossed lovers. The longing, the subtle desperation, the knowledge of your love, and the deeper knowledge that you can't have it. That the stars are crossing the path of the love and severing any possibility of continuance.

All of that is beautifully crafted into Solas as a character.

I have so much professional and heartaching praise for this perfectly executed star-crossed lovers set up. Patrick Weekes deserves all the props for that. Star-crossed isn't easy to write. I know because I often write it. I have a deep weakness for star-crossed lovers, so I read it a lot too. This one was perfect.

I have to admit I don't understand all the fan reactions hating on Solas or acting as if he doesn't actually love the Inquisitor.

I mean, love or hate him, I don't personally care what people feel about him because it's a very personal thing. I just know how he makes me feel (and thus, my inky too).

But why are people questioning whether he cares about, loves, the Inquisitor? It's written all over him! Every gesture, every facial expression. Every tiny hitch in his breath.

I don't think I've seen his fear mentioned anywhere. Again, I just may have not run across it yet, but for such an integral part of that break up scene, you'd think people would be talking about it. He's running scared, utterly terrified. He's not leaving her for anything else.

Think about it. He's (likely) immortal, or at the very least nigh-immortal. Some estimates of his age are in the 5000 year bracket. From his perspective, he wakes up from a really long nap to find out the world he loved; the world in which he rebelled against the powers that were (who were possibly even his family) to save his people, only to find it has turned into something so unrecognizable that he feels honour bound to rectify his mistake. Honour is a heavy and incredibly important thing to Solas. You can see that in his reaction to Blackwall's revelation.

Solas is ashamed, grieving, planning to fix it but not sure he can. Alone, because he can't count on anyone else. (And his greatest fear is dying alone!) OF COURSE he's scared of falling in love. NOW IS NOT THE TIME must be ringing through him.

Hell, many many people are afraid of falling in love and they don't have a spot on the Dread Wolf's baggage.

Lavellan makes him feel. For a mortal. She draws his fascination away from the fade. Something he's said straight up is something that's never happened and he didn't think was possible. She jeopardizes his plans, yes. But if you've never experienced that kind of love, one thing I will say about it is this... if you fall deeply enough, there is very little that's unthinkable in reaching a place where you can have that love. That's the crux of his motivation in that scene.

That's what made him suddenly break it off. You can see it in the moment he pulls back from the kiss. He's blissed out when he's kissing her. The curve of his eyebrow and the way he has his eyes closed show that clearly. But then it hits him... he can't do this. His eyes widen just a fraction and you can see the moment he realizes he will absolutely lose himself to Lavellan. He would go down the path he's likely seen hundreds of thousands of times, falling in love. So deeply in love that he’d give up everything else for the path that would see him accept the world as it is, something he finds anathema, so he can stay in her arms, keep her, keep her freely offered love. His honour could never allow that.

Our wolfy boy is so terrified he turned tail and skeddadled with said tail tucked between his legs like the wolf he is.

I don't think I've seen even a peep about his fear. The reason he would tell everyone (and himself) for breaking things off with inky is that if his plans succeed, she won't exist anymore. There's foreshadowing on this in his personal quest with the spirit.

He believes so strongly that he needs to fix what he broke that he is cutting his heart out and leaving it on a silver platter because his people need him more than he needs his heart. That's his bedrock belief. And he can't let anything get in the way of that.

He's telling himself he has to let her go because of his plans, but that's just his excuse. Apparently, even immortal elven gods lie to themselves about love.

When he breaks it off with Lavellan, it feels like a shock because it's a shock to him as well. He took her to the waterfall to tell her the truth about himself.

His voice hitches just a little before he switches paths to tell her about the Vellaslin. I'd bet he was going to tell her who he is. But at the ultimate moment, he chickens out.

Wish I could draw better, I've got a hilarious image in my head of Solas as wolf covered in chicken feathers running full tilt away from Lavellan. Who has a silvery leash from her heart to his throat. The guy is lost already, he just doesn't know it.

He surprised them both. The depth of his feelings for her scare the shit out of him. He suddenly knows that he would give up everything for this love. He panics, and he's running scared from committing to the enby he loves.

There's an interesting bit of coincidence in that theme, and it's been used in Dragon Age before. Soilers for DAO

If you ever managed to piss off Alistair in DAO on the kingship path, (I managed it without trying hard 😅) he breaks up with you for much the same reason. His dialogue there includes 'I could get lost in you'. And that is what has sent our wolf running for the hills.

Solas has so very obviously never been in love before. He's hinted at that several times in his dialogue. TBH, I get 'virgin in the real world' vibes from Solas.

He may have had relationships with spirits, he may have done as Blackwall hinted and 'gotten frisky with a spirit in the fade'. But Lavellan is the first time (and Dreadwolf may very well prove me wrong) that Solas feels actual romantic love on the mortal plane. And for a mortal nonetheless! At the WORST possible time.

Another thing I don't see people talking about much, if at all, is how heavily neurodivergent coded Solas is.

I mean, nerdy research expert type dude who has eons of knowledge. (Walking encyclopedia thing, anyone?)

Esoteric artist using ancient methods?

Extreme reaction to an innocuous beverage like tea? (Taste/texture sensitivities anyone?)

Always on the edge of things?

Knows far more than he says?

Always observing, always learning.

He even stims in the cut scenes several times. He's heavily coded as either autistic or ADHD or both.

I've seen complaints that Solas isn't very emotive. But to me, he's screaming emotion with every gesture, every breath. Especially in the dawnlit and waterfall scenes.

I'm not even sure what to call it, animation? Modelling? What kind of name can you give moving artwork like a modern video game? Anyway, whoever took the writing part and made the visuals for Solas, I think, understood neurodivergency and enacted it perfectly.

His emotional tells are there. But, like the character himself, they're subtle.

Given how many complaints I've seen about that topic, I have to then wonder if I can see it better because I'm neurodivergent and my family is too. I'm used to reading neurodivergent people.

That's... that's not me being arrogant. Neurotypical people cannot read autistic and ADHD people very well, if at all. Our body language and facial expressions are so subtle or different that we're often accused of being angry when we're having a good time or are just deep in thought. Heard the term 'resting bitch face'? Yup. That's a common (soooo common) marker for an autistic or ADHD or autistic/ADHD person.

He's heavily neurodivergent coded, maybe that's why I don't have any trouble reading him? Are people just not picking up on all the details I do? (There's no judgement or fault in this. It's just fact. A lot of autistic and ADHD folks can't read NTs either. I can, but it’s something I learned to do vs anything innate. We're wired so differently and speak completely different non-verbal languages.)

During the waterfall scene, before the final part, he's got so much love and awe on his face and in his body language that it's so so obvious he loves Lavellan. I just can't grok the questions of does he or doesn't he. If he didn't, he'd have acted much differently.

It's just as obvious by the end of the scene that he's convinced himself he can't have her. That they can't have each other.

I've absolutely joined the Solavellan hell carousel 😆. I desperately hope Dreadwolf offers some sort of positive closure for Lavellan and Solas. I hope bioware believes in happy endings.

Aaaand my opinion is subject to change after I play Trespasser. I don't know very much of what happens in that, so I may have to eat these words.

[marmolita]

Magnus protocol 1&2 thoughts! Here be spoilers and also spoilers for TMA! Also fyi I'm gonna be tagging with "the magnus protocol" for tmagp stuff and continuing to use the fandom name plus "spoilers" for anything spoilery.

Stuff I like:

Diving right in with the majorly fucked up "statements," 100% here for it!!! I liked the second one better than the first because I felt like I actually understood what was going on in it better, and it was sufficiently fucked and creepy.

I like the idea that this is basically like the archive, but it's in a different form where they have to read/listen to/watch the statements and then categorize and file them

I ♥️ Sam, he's wonderful so far 😍

Gwen is fascinating and I appreciate a girl who's a stickler for filing things properly (I'm an Amy Santiago type of person myself). I'm interested to see how things go with her and definitely interested to see what goes on with her and Lena

Lena 👀👀 who is she? how did she get here? how much is she in the know? Presumably she's aware that she's running basically a Beholding archive but also presumably this universe does not have a living Jonah Magnus so her backstory is probably very different.

Jon and Martin zapped into the computer like Freakazoid is a great callback to the computer ep from tma and that they're not really alive in the same way they were before (assuming ofc it's them). I'm definitely interested to see who else is in there with them 👀

I like the way the statements start off in computerized voices and then gradually fade to normal voice and then back again 👍

Stuff I don't like:

Probably unpopular opinion: I absolutely cannot stand Alice. I want to like her and I'm hoping that the storyline will change my mind, but she's just kind of a jerk? Like the whole "go ask Colin about the app" thing was just a dick move, and the aggressive irreverence comes off as rude and irritating to me. Presumably she has a tragic backstory and this is some kind of put-on act to cover up her emotional turmoil but would it hurt to be a little nicer to people? Gwen is rude too but she's owning it, not pretending that she's nice. As a listener I feel like I'm expected to find Gwen disagreeable but I'm expected to find Alice charming, and I really, really don't.

The audio in the break room is terrible. I assume part of this is that we're supposed to be listening from the perspective of an electronic device, maybe a copy machine that's around the corner or something, and I get that, but I cannot fucking hear what they're saying. I'm usually either listening in the car or in an environment with lots of other sounds and it's just inaudible for me.

This is true for some other sections as well, though the break room is the worst. I have enough trouble just understanding accents sometimes since I'm not British (I watch all BBC tv shows with the captions turned on 😅) so when audibility is low this becomes even harder.

Some of the transitions were unclear. I loved the artist statement, but it was not clear to me who was listening to it, how it was getting played, or what was going on. I'm not familiar enough with the voices yet to identify people and for a minute I thought Lena was taking a statement in person.

I assume I'll figure this out in time, but I can't tell Lena and Gwen apart.

MY SOFTWARE PROFESSIONAL NITPICKS oh my god I know this is an eldritch abomination of a computer system but some of the technobabble is just conflicting! If it's ancient, then it can't be breaking when it auto updates, because 1) your OS and SW did not auto update back then, and 2) if it's been around and auto updating for years it would be newer and not ancient anymore! There was some other technobabble I can't recall at the moment that bothered me too, which I'll probably remember five minutes after making this post. These are all nitpicks that are only annoying to me because software is my day job though so I will accept them.

[nebulouscoffee]

Sending the rare pair I rotate when I wanna think about Mess: Keiko/Garak

LOL okay, this one is complicated- I both ship it, and don't ship it? So what I shall do is answer all six questions😂

What made you ship it?

Let's be honest. Keiko gets a really bad deal on DS9. Like, she was THE senior civilian botanist on the flagship of the Federation and now she's stuck in the middle of nowhere, separated from all her old friends and colleagues- and growing a few plants. Not to mention, experiencing weekly traumas via proximity to the unluckiest man in the quadrant (aka, her husband). I think it's pretty explicit in canon that Keiko never wanted to move to DS9 in the first place, so in a sense- it's almost like she's... in exile. (wink, wink.)

Now, with all the complaining Garak does about his professional fall from grace, his once-respected skillset being wasted on menial, mundane work- "I used to be at the top of my field, now look at me, I'm sewing dresses!"- it's not hard to imagine him seeing a kindred spirit in Keiko. He's a very good tailor. She's a very good teacher. So good, it makes them both want to barf... or, meet up for dinner once a week in the arboretum to commiserate (and maybe have some shameful yet unexpectedly satisfying sex about it lol)

What are your favorite things about the ship?

Like you said, the Mess! It's a lot of fun to think about- I don't necessarily want it to happen, but if it did happen it would be fascinating and kind of funny, you know? It's interesting from a character study perspective- you get to explore some of the uglier sides (especially if you're gonna think about this happening in the context of getting back at Miles, maybe even Julian).

[Gonna preface this next section with the disclaimer that I adore Keiko, Miles and Garak, and none of this is character hate!!!]

So, here's the thing- I struggle to see Keiko going for Garak unless there's some element of petty revenge involved. Maybe it's the early seasons, and she's pissed off at Miles for bringing her here, pissed off at the station's Bajoran population for siding against her when Winn bombed the school, just generally feeling very frustrated and undervalued and unwanted and invisible, and it's like- yeah, what if I just stopped being the Wholesome Starfleet Wife for a second, you know? What if I went and slept with the Cardassian spy?? (Even if you want to interpret the O'Briens as having an open marriage and this not counting as cheating, Garak is still certainly... A Choice lol). Or, maybe it's the later seasons, and now it's more- what, Miles can keep putting his Starfleet career ahead of the family, risking his life, and I can't even go to the Cliffs of Undalar for work? And he's just gonna spend all his free time in the holosuites with Julian and leave me with the kids 26/7? (Whether or not Garak/Bashir are together here is flexible, though it's funny to imagine a Garak who has now decided to hold back so as to not risk their too-important friendship, and he's sooo irritated with himself for having A Sentiment and also insanely jealous of how much time Miles gets with Julian). For maximum toxic fun you can imagine Miles & Julian accidentally get drunk and hook up (and it IS cheating) so now Keiko gets with Garak as revenge!

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

Hmm... I guess, any Garak/woman ship would inherently be an unpopular opinion to those who view him as exclusively into men? But imo even if we are reading him as such (and that's definitely a valid read haha), there's still the fact that he would absolutely date a woman just to be petty. Like, let's not forget the one and only time he ever looked at Ziyal with anything resembling romantic interest was when they linked hands in front of Dukat- his whole vibe changed there, like he really did that just to piss Dukat off! Garak is all about theatre and unpredictability and poking people just to get reactions out of them lol, I can definitely see him pulling out all the stops to make himself and Keiko the most fabulous femme 4 femme couple on the station. Like not only would he date her, he would date her very publicly- he would aggressively channel ALL that courtly old-fashioned charm and lay it on really thick. He would offer her his handkerchief. He would pull out her chair. He would make her the most gorgeous dresses. He would treat her to fancy dinners on all the promenade restaurants and grow her extremely rare flowers in the arboretum. He would learn her preferences in bed. He would literally go out of his way to make Miles O'Brien look So Bad😂😂

Why don't you ship it?

Honestly, the problem is just me- I am but a soft-hearted loser who just wants for Keiko O'Brien to be happy lmaooo

Like obviously I do enjoy reading/writing stories where my blorbos are awful, but fundamentally I love seeing them healing and growing and making each other better, sadly. And while Garak is inarguably changed for the better after getting exiled to DS9, Keiko is unfortunately someone I can see becoming worse as a result of the show's events- and I just don't like thinking about it becauseee ahhh it makes me saddddd!!!

What would have made you like it?

Tough to answer since I do like it- thankfully it's not canon, so I can just have fun thinking about the toxic mess of it all without having to write it or keep guiltily glancing at poor lil Molly O'Brien like "baby girl I am so sorry I did this to your parents' marriage😭😭"

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it?

It's intriguing, it's fun, it centres Keiko in a way that the show (and indeed fan content) rarely ever does- and I guess it doesn't have to be ALL dark! Like I can imagine it originally starting that way, with Garak and Keiko treating each other so well just to spite Miles/Julian- but then it unexpectedly turns into a genuine friendship where they prioritise each other in ways they've never been prioritised (or allowed themselves to be prioritised) before, and they actually end up making more sense of their own desires as a result? There's that one episode where Keiko goes to the trouble of making zabu stew for Rugal... I can just imagine her making some Cardassian food or the other for Garak and him being kinda 🥺 about it. Who knows, maybe they'll all have a laugh about this around the O'Briens' (or the Garak/Bashir) dinner table someday! God I'm boring